That Smasher's Show
by MisterDrBob
Summary: In order to boost his flagging ratings, Master Hand forces the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane! Title is only for humorous effect. Not based on That 70's Show in any way. At least any way intentionally.
1. Chapter 1

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 1 

**"ATTENTION SMASHERS. THERE WILL BE A MANDATORY ASSEMBLY IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM IN 5 MINUTES. FAILURE TO SHOW UP IS PUNISHABLE BY PAIN. CRAZY! NO! DON'T TOUCH THE BUTTON!"** It was obvious Crazy had touched the button as a large boom ended the announcement by Master Hand.

The Smashers groaned at the prospect of having to sit through another assembly. If they were lucky, it would be announcing that Master Hand had finally gotten rid of the choir of Jigglypuffs to serenade them while they feasted. Nobody had eaten in three weeks straight because they would fall asleep as soon as they got to the table. In five minutes, all 40 participants were down in the conference room where Master Hand and Crazy Hand were waiting.

**"Thank you for coming. I have an important announcement."**

"You finally got rid of the Jigglypuff choir?" Toon Link asked raising his hand.

"You finally got rid of Jigglypuff?" Bowser asked pointing at the sleeping puffball.

"You finally got rid of Ryan Seacrest?" Sonic asked pointing over to where El Doucho was standing creepily in the background.

**"No, no, and definitely no!"**

"Oh come on! He doesn't do anything but stand there and creep us out!"

**"I'm not getting rid of Ryan Seacrest! He's schmexy."**

Sonic groaned as Seacrest gave him a sinister-disguised-as-cute smile that said "I know where you live, I know when you sleep, you're mine no matter how fast you run, hedgehog."

**"My announcement is much greater than any of those things. It pains me to say this, but...MY RATINGS ARE FLAGGING!" **

The Smashers screamed. A chicken was sacrificed. Chaos descended upon them, but then decided that they were too crazy for him and promptly fled in his puce Volvo.

"WAIT!" Marth shouted. "Since when do we care about your freakin' ratings?!"

There was a collective "Oh yeah." as something resembling normalacy returned.

"So what gives Hand, why should we care about your stupid ratings all of a sudden?" Captain Falcon asked crossing his arms.

**"Because it puts me in a bad mood that's why!"** He said doing something unspeakably painful to the unfortunate racer. The other Smashers cringed at the display. **"Fortunately,"** the disembodied hand said calming down, **"I have a solution. Now, it requires a small concession on your part, but I think it'll really work!"**

"What is it?" Zelda inquired.

**"You're going to star in a sitcom!!" **

There were five awkward seconds of silence. It was shattered by the uproarous laughter of the Smashers.

"No, really. What is it?" Link cackled as he bent over trying to catch his breath.

**"I'm 100% serious. I want a few of you to star in a sitcom while everyone else takes supporting roles or make guest appearances." **

Everyone had stopped laughing. They all stared at the hand. Crazy twitched trying hard not to shout something along the lines of "Lord no! I never touched yo' furry Brazilian canteloupes Mister Higginsworth!"

"I won't do it!" Mario shouted. "I refuse to put up with your stupid crap! Why should we do it? Just release another game and the ratings'll be back up in no time!"

**"That's not good enough!"** Master Hand shouted.

Unfortunately this prompted Crazy to scream "WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!"

**"Shut up, Crazy! A new game will boost my ratings, but not enough! The fans want something new! Some pizzaz. Know what I'm saying?"**

"No. Not really. A sitcom will never work! Pizzaz isn't the first thing that comes to mind when I think sitcom." Mario said crossing his arms.

**"Okay, what are the first things you think of when you think sitcom?"**

"Overused and unoriginal plotlines, unfunny jokes complete with fake laughter, unrealistic situations, I've got more."

**"You just described this fanfic." **

"Name one other fanfic that has us being forced into a sitcom."

**"Okay, what about some good things you think of?"** Peach raised her hand.

"Peach! NO! You'll doom us all!" Mario shouted, but Peach went on and said

"Funny situations, guest stars, compelling characters, and catchy theme songs!"

**"Well, that's good enough for me! We're doing it!" **

"NOOOOOO!" Most of the males and some of the females screamed.

"KUMQUATS!" Crazy screamed.

* * *

Author's Notes: Kind of short for a first chapter, but I felt that was a good place to stop. Soooo, yeah. A somewhat original idea. Yay. Read and review.


	2. Chapter 2

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 2: Pre-Production

As the next few days passed, the Smashers tried- with a small degree of success- to forget about the impending horror. However, soon enough, Master Hand had called another meeting.

**"Alright folks. We're ready to start pre-production. You know, casting, writing and such. So, we've decided that an audition will take too long, so we've already decided who has major roles!"**

There was a collective groan as the hand summoned a scroll from thin air, presumably the list.

**"Eggs, chicken breasts, yeast, wait what the? Oops. Shopping list. Hey, who's turn is it to go shopping anyway?"**

"GET ON WITH IT!" Ike shouted.

"Yeah! Get on with it!" Dr. Wright shouted.

"_**Get on with it!"**_ shouted God, who's head (which bore a resemblance to W. G. Grace) had appeared in the clouds.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Everyone else shouted.

**"Alright alright! Sheesh! Anyway. Link, Zelda, Pit, Samus, Ike, and Marth are the main characters. Mario, Luigi, Peach, Pikachu, Fox, Bowser, Ganondorf and Captian Falcon have secondary roles, and everyone else will be extras or guest stars." **

Everyone who's name had been mentioned groaned while the others breathed a sigh of relief at the prospect of their reputations not being totally shattered.

**"Okay. Those of you who's name I called, come over here. The rest of you, skidaddle."**

There was a stampede as 26 Smashers bolted for the door. Master Hand coughed (I guess that's possible if he can talk?) as the dust cleared.

**"Well. First thing we've got to do is get you guys some new duds. Link you're first."** Pointing his finger at Link, Master Hand zapped the unfortunate swordsman. Link's clothes evaporated only to be instantly replaced by jeans and a green t-shirt. As he neared the hat however Link shrieked.

"No! Not the hat! You're not taking my hat!" he shouted as he grabbed his hat with both hands in order to keep it on his head.

**"Come on Link! Lemme have it! You've gotta look realistic!" **

"I'm not losing the hat! It's what makes me me!"

**"It looks silly. Give it to me!" **

"Nuuuuu!"

**"Ugh. Fine. You can keep the hat. Pit, you next." **Instantly, Pit was outfitted in a white t-shirt, and black leathers.

"Oh come on! I look like a greaser! I'm an angel! I have to wear white!"

**"That's the point!" **

"I'm not doing this crap looking like this!" He shouted throwing off the coat.

**"Moose! Bronco! Please convince this inconvenience otherwise!"** Unfortunately for the Hand, Pit's bow made short work of Moose and Bronco.

"Ha! Is that all you've got? If so, then you may as well give up because I'm not keeping the jacket."

**"Are the rest of you going to be this difficult?" **

"Probably." Said an apathetic Ike.

**"Ugh. Fine. We'll do it your way."** instnatly, Pit's black leather pants were replaced with jeans.

"That's better!"

"Aw dangit!" Link shouted.

"What?!" everyone gasped.

"I just lost The Game."

**"I tire of this."** And with that, everyone was in modern casual wear that vaguely reflected their normal tastes. Link looked a bit more rugged and like he'd live in a forest, Ike looked like a punk, and Pit and Marth were pretty as ever. Samus sported an orange t-shirt with a screw attack symbol and ripped jeans, while Zelda had a pink quarter sleeve with a purple mini-skirt. Mario and Luigi looked exactly the same, as did Pikachu, Fox was wearing a black shirt, jeans, and his flight jacket, Peach had a pink tank top and denim shorts, and Captain Falcon still had his helmet, but was wearing a wifebeater and long beige pants.

**"Well, we've got writing to do....so......just hang out we'll call you in five--"**

"Five dolla! Five dolla foot long!" Link sang to the annoyance of everyone."

"Link shut up!" Zelda muttered smacking her boyfriend on the back of the head.

**"Well, we'll get you in about five hours, days, and or weeks."**

The unfortunate Smashers grumbled slightly at the prospect of being suddenly interrupted as they made their way back to the main area of the mansion.

"I think I can live with this look." Zelda said as she and Samus entered the kitchen.

"Meh. I really don't care. I just want to get this whole thing over with."

"I know. The author's been really lazy."

Hey!

"And you're doing it again!"

Breaking the fourth wall and having the author as a character didn't necissarily come from Bob and George.

"Admit it though, that's what gave you the idea."

Fine. I won't do it again.

"Let's hope not."

"Anyway," Samus said trying to ignore the typical exchange between myself and the princess, "this stupid show won't last a season."

"Yeah. All Hand would have to do is release a game more than once a console generation." They both grabbed sodas and went into the living room where the guys were watching a movie.

**"Tingle won. Rusl's prosecution, everything he fought for....undone. Whatever chance you gave us of fixing our city dies with Rusl's reputation. We bet it all on him. Tingle took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope."**

**"They won't. They must never know what he did."**

**"Five dead....two of them soldiers! You can't _sweep_ that away!"**

**"No. But Tingle cannot win. Hyrule needs its true hero."**

**"No!"**

**"You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I'm not a hero. Not like Rusl. I killed those people. That's what I can be."**

**"No, no you can't you're not--!"**

**"I'm whatever Hyrule needs me to be. Call it in."**

**"A hero. Not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed. Nothing less than a knight. Shining. _They'll hunt you_."**

**"_You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes, the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."_**

**"Keeseman! Keeseman! Why is he running dad?"**

**"Because we have to chase him."**

**"Okay, we're going in! Move! Move!"**

**"He didn't do anything wrong."**

**"Because he's the hero Hyrule deserves. But not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a watchful guardian. A silent protector....The Darknut."**

"You guys are watching this _again_?!" Zelda moaned.

"Why so serious?" Link asked as she sat down by him. Samus high-fived him for the excellent placement of the quote. Zelda sighed as Marth switched it to the TV setting and began channel surfing. What they came across was a portent of doom.

"Coming to you soon: it's the Super Smash Bros. in _That Smasher's Show!_"

**"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"**

* * *

Author's Notes: I did it again! Cut it off when I shouldn't have. But I want to update this already! Reviews are appreciated as always.


	3. Chapter 3

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 3: Why do I feel the urge to title all my chapters? I'm gonna end this trend so I don't run myself into a rut

"You!" Link shouted as he stormed into the office. "What do you have to say for yourselves?!"

_"If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended. That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream. Gentles do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend. And as I am an honest Puck, if we have unearned luck, now to 'scape the serpent's tongue, we will make amends ere long. Else the Puck a liar call. So goodnight unto you all! Give us your hands if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends."_

Link's eyes were as big as saucers. "Crazy, did- did you just quote Shakespeare?"

"Ba**Tte**Ry ac**Id**!"

"...Okay. That's what I thought."

"I said goodnight! Nao git 2 bed lil' tyke!" Crazy shrieked, throwing Link out.

**"Crazy, no! Bad Crazy! You do not throw out victims--I mean, buddies (yeah that's it)."** Master Hand zoomed out of the office and plucked the stunned Link from the floor. **"What do you want now, Link? We're kind of busy."** He said floating back to his desk. The Hands' office was set up so that there were two desks, one for Crazy, and one for Master. They were situated so that going in, one felt like they were walking up to some gigantic demigod like being and could only see its hands. Because apparently demigods wear gloves.

"Are you out of your mind?! Why is there already a promo for this stupid show?!"

**"Oh you saw it! Did you like it?"**

"No I didn't like it! Are you crazy? Why would you start advertising the show when we haven't even started yet?!"

**"Don't tell me my business boy!"** Master Hand snapped. **"What you do is you get everyone all psyched up so that they'll all watch the pilot episode, and ratings will soar!"**

"As stable as that sounds coming from you, don't you think it would be a better idea to actually have something to show, rather than announcing it and taking a high financial risk by building expectations that you can never possibly hope to match!?"

**"Nonsense!"** the Hand twittered. **"Come on Link mah boi, I'm a professional. I've been at this waaaayyy longer than you know. Don't worry about it."** Link crossed his arms.

"I'm not. I'm just pissed that you're advertising our humiliation before we've even done anything."

**"Whatever. I'm done talking about it." **

Link growled in frustration and left. Everyone else was still waiting in the living room for him.

"Well?" Samus asked.

"He thinks that it'll 'help the ratings' by getting people excited for it so they'll watch the pilot."

"Without anything to show for it at all?"

"He told me not to worry about it."

"I don't see why we should," Marth snorted. "It's really his loss. Worst case scenario, the show fails and he looks like a fool. Sure we'll embarrass ourselves, but we do that on a regular basis anyways." He had a point. Not that that made the prospect of doing it any better.

"Marth's right." Zelda said. "We'll cross that bridge when we reach it." They nodded and walked into the kitchen where Ganondorf was eating truffles. The reason being a little high brow for the audience likely reading this, so let's just say that it's because he's incredibly English. He snickered as soon as he saw them.

"Something funny?" Samus snapped at the King of Evil. He smirked.

"Well seeing as my two greatest enemies who have killed me on multiple occasions and sealed me away in a land of death and destruction are being forced to publicly humiliate themselves along with their little goody-goody friends, yes. I'd say something is rather funny."

"I'll show you funny! Come on GanonDORK! Bring it on!" Link seethed. The two were about to go at it when they were interrupted by Ness flying through the door, having been blasted away by a Bob-omb that Pikachu had planted in order to flush him out of his hiding spot in their hide-and-go seek-game between the two of them, Lucas, Yoshi, the Ice Climbers and Kirby, which had in turn been planted by me as a convenient plot device.

"You okay Ness?" Zelda asked, making sure the psychic was alright. He got up, shaking his head.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Stupid Pokemon." And just like that, he got up and began looking for the electric rodent hoping to give him what for.

"That was wierd." Ike said, as usual, apathetically.

"Yeah. Where were we?" Link asked, unsheathing the Master Sword.

"Just drop it, Link. There'll be other times." Reluctantly, Link nodded and gave Ganon one last dirty look before heading out to the back yard. It was sunny out, the air balmy. Link stretched out and walked to his favorite tree. To his dismay however, it was already occupied.

"Why then was it forbid? Why but to awe, why but to keep ye low and ignorant." Donkey Kong, a now strangely eloquent beast was reading _Paradise Lost_ aloud to Diddy Kong.

"I say Donkey old boy, it appears that the elf has come to recalim his tree."

"Tsk. Well we were here first my dear Diddy, and therefore this uncouth cur has no business being at this majestic and stately arbor."

"Since when have you two been so smart? ...And so British?"

Diddy laughed. "We aren't. We're just acting that way to bug Red. Turns out he's an intense Anglophobe." Across the way, Red the Pokemon Trainer was shreiking in terror.

"They're back! The British people have come to take me away! Help! Monarchists!" Fleeing, he left his Pokemon looking embarrassed and confused.

"Plus, Rare is a British company, so why not?"

"But Rare doesn't make your games any more."

"So? They did at some point."

"Look can I just have the tree?"

DK shrugged. "Sure. We did what we wanted to anyway. C'mon Diddy, let's get some banana splits." The two simians began eagerly chattering and making monkey sounds as they ran back to the mansion to get their snack.

Link settled down under the tree and began playing the Ocarina of Time. Master Hand had let him keep it even though his current form was not the one that had used the Ocarina. That didn't mean that Link didn't know how to play it though. He had the sum of all Links' knowledge. Including Toon Link. It was kind of creepy, since this meant that they were basically the same person. Ever see the movie The Kid? With Bruce Willis? Where the guy meets his younger self and they're hungry at the same time and have to pee at the same time? Kind of like that. This entire paragraph is kind of irrelevant. He was playing the Ocarina. End of story. How's that?

Link jumped as he felt movement behind him. Turning around, he saw a familiar cardboard box.

"Snake, I know it's you."

"Hrgh. I was hoping you wouldn't notice me."

"Snake, we're on the border of a forest, in a huge backyard. A cardboard box is pretty noticeable. Why do you travel around in that thing anyway?"

"It's a cliched over-used joke. Plus it's my trademark."

"Why not just try and do without for a while? Surely you didn't crawl around in that for all of your missions?" Snake's silence gave Link his answer.

"No." He finally said. "When I was on Shadow Moses, I had to _switch_ boxes depending on the area I was in." Link generically smacked his head.

"How about going without a box for an extended period of time?"

"What? What blasphemy is this?"

"Snake, I bet you 50 Smash Coins that you can't go three days without your box." Snake threw off the box and grinned.

"You're on, elf. I don't need this box."

"Oh, then I guess you won't mind me doing this." Link said as he stabbed through the box with the Master Sword. If Snake's face could have expressed all of his sadness and pain, whole universes, and several small animals in other ones, would have died. Link didn't notice this though as he was too busy stabbing the box.

"Yep, I'm just stabbing the box." Link cheerfully sang. "I hope Snake doesn't mind! Oh wait! He can't use it for three days! I guess he won't! Ha ha ha!" Snake quickly fled the scene. He couldn't take much more of this. Link laughed as he watched the anti-social black-op run away. It was starting to get really hot. He looked up at the sun. No, not directly at it! Jeez, he's not _that_ stupid. He got a good enough look at it to realize that it was about 12:30. Time to get some lunch. He hadn't eaten since popcorn when they'd started watching The Darknut last night, so he was starving. As soon as he entered the kitchen, he ducked to avoid the turnip that had flown his way. Oh joy. Peach was cooking. Kirby was sitting by her feet, looking grumpy.

"C'mon Peach! Just let me do it! It'll be quicker and taste better!"

"No way Kirby! You'll just eat it all!"

"But I'm a growing boy!"

"You aren't a boy!"

"I'm not a girl!"

"That doesn't mean you're a boy."

"What the heck? Yes it does!"

Link grabbed a personal pizza out of the fridge and quietly heated it up while the princess and the puffball bickered.

"It needs pepper!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Just watch, you'll see!"

"Kirby, don't you dare!"

"Daring is my middle name!" Kirby shouted as he lobbed the entire canister of pepper into the pot. Its contents began to bubble furiously.

"I warned you Kirby!"

"IT'SA GONNA BLOW!" Kirby shreiked as he ran out of the kitchen. Link snatched his pizza and darted back outside. He took his clawshot out and went up to the roof as a loud **boom** sounded. He could quickly see that he wasn't alone.

"Sheik!" The Sheikah warrior nodded in acknowledgement.

"Hello Link. What was that noise?"

"Oh that? Kirby and Peach were arguing over lunch."

"Hence the pizza?"

"Yeah. Want a piece?"

"No thanks. You know I'm on a diet."

"Since when?"

"C'mon Link, you know I've been trying to slim down." Link snorted.

"You sound just like my girlfriend."

"I _am_ your girlfriend!" Link did a double take.

"Whoah there. I don't know about you, but I don't swing that way."

"Link, come off it. I know that you know I'm Zelda."

"No you're not!"

"Yes I am!" In order to prove her point, she transformed back into Zelda. Link jumped and looked around.

"Zelda? Where'd you come from? And where'd Sheik go?" Zelda could see that this was a lost cause. For now.

"Uh, he went over there!" She said pointing in the direction of the forest.

"Oh. OK then. So, want a piece of this pizza?"

"I'm on a diet." Zelda repeated patiently.

"Oh right. Even though you're not fat."

"Nevertheless, I need to stay healthy." Zelda said, somewhat pleased by the compliment.

"Meh. More for me then." Link said as he bit into one of the tiny pieces.

"Whoah!" Zelda cried.

"What?!" Link asked, dropping his pizza and unsheathing the Master Sword.

"Since when does Snake walk around in broad daylight without his box?" She asked, pointing down to where Snake was entering the back door.

"You made me drop my pizza for that?! I bet him fifty Smash Coins that he couldn't go three days without it!"

"Why would you do something so stuid?"

"Hey! Excuuuuuuuse me Princess! But I think it'll be good for him! Teach him to interact more!" Zelda thought this over.

"Maybe you're right. I mean, he doesn't really have any friends here does he?"

"Of course he does! He's got me Mario, Luigi, Samus, Captain Falcon and Sonic!"

"What's his old friend's name?"

"Uh...._which_ old friend?"

"The one who shows up in battles sometimes?"

"Metal Gear?"

"No."

"Rex?"

"You just said Metal Gear."

"Ray?"

"No! It's not a model of Metal Gear!"

"Grey Fox?"

"What's his _real_ name?"

"_Gray_ Fox?!"

"See?! You don't know him that well."

"I do too! Well enough to know that he's not a real person!"

"Link! That's a horrible thing to say!"

"What!? It's true! He's a clone of Big Boss."

"Look, I really think the Marios are the only ones he really considers friends. I mean, everybody loves Mario, and he's a big fan of Luigi for some reason. You clearly don't know him all that well and are insensitive to the fact that he wasn't born normally, Samus gives him the cold shoulder, he only likes the Falcon Punch, and all Sonic does is bug him."

"Not the hedgehog's fault Snake's so irritable! You'd think Snake would enjoy talking to the only other third party character."

"Wasn't Mega Man supposed to show up to the tournament this time?"

"Nah, Master Hand just spread that rumor to get people pumped. Mega Man never got an invite." Zelda suddenly had a moment of insight.

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"What if that's what this is?"

"What what is?"

"This whole show thing? What if he's just trying to get people excited so his ratings will soar next tournament?"

"That doesn't make sense at all, and yet it kind of does." Link said starting to get her logic.

"Well why doesn't it make sense?"

"Because, why build up expectations for something completely different to draw people to what they've always loved?"

"Good point, but think about it this way: it's Master Hand."

"Oh Nayru you're right!" Link gasped.

* * *

Author's Notes: Oh no! Could this all be some massive farce? Only the next chapter will tell! I'm particularl proud of some of the jokes in this chapter. Even if they aren't that funny. Red being an Anglophobe will definitely be a running joke, as will Snake trying to live without the box. Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, but stuff happens. I'll try and get on some of my other stuff. Like Pokemon. Assembly is also a priority right now, but starting to re-re-edit The Caped Crusader so that it can be turned into a cool movie is kind of at the very top right now. But don't worry. I'm following through with this one. Oh yeah, I love Shakespeare. Hence the beginning. A friend of mine was just in A Midsummer Night's Dream. Good stuff. Reviews are appreciated as they always are. I salute you with a Falcon Punch!


	4. Chapter 4

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 4: Day of Assistance

Link and Zelda wasted no time in dashing back inside the mansion.

"Where've you two been?" Pit asked. Samus smacked him upside the head.

"Look angel-boy, if they want to 'complete the Triforce', then it's none of your business!"

"We did nothing of the sort! We'd need Ganondorf for that!" Link shouted indignantly and innocently.

"Look never mind that! We think Master Hand is bluffing!" Zelda shouted.

"Eh?" Samus said, utterly perplexed.

"We think this entire show thing is a ruse to get interest in a new tournament going!" Link explained. This all made sense enough to everyone, and a relieved sigh was collectively breathed.

"Oh man." Marth laughed. "That's a relief. He really had us going there didin't he?"

"I'll say." Ike said, for once amused.

"Well then, we'd better get training." Samus said.

"Yeah! Especially me!" Ike said.

"Why you?" Zelda asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm one of the most likely candidates to get the boot! They did it with Roy, so what's to stop Master Hand from kicking me out next? The same's going for Lucario too. I'd better warn him."

"Poor Roy. I miss him." Link said sadly.

"Mewtwo was pretty cool too." Samus agreed.

They started walking in the general direction of their rooms to change into their normal fighting outfits.

As they turned back down the long, plush hallway on the way to the training area, Link noticed a door he'd never seen before.

"Hey guys, what's in here?" He asked, pointing at it.

"That's where Master Hand keeps the Assist Trophies." Zelda said. "I thought that was common knowledge."

"Meh, I tend to not pay attention to stuff like that." Link said. Zelda rolled her eyes.

"You coming?"

"Uh, I forgot the Master Sword in my room. Go on without me, I'm going to get it."

Link waited until Zelda was far down the hall. He then cracked an evil grin and laughed rather evilly. Way more evilly than he should have, being a hero and all. Once he'd had a good laugh, he opened the door. It was dark inside. He stepped in, and groped around for a light switch. He couldn't find one. Why would Master Hand keep all these poor Assist Trophies crammed in a dark room?

"LIIIIIIIIGHT!" Somebody shrieked. It turned out to be Saki Amamiya. Link thought it was still dark, then he realized that the light coming in from the door had to be the most light they saw outside of battles. He looked down at a Nintendog pulling at his boot strap with its teeth.

"The light has come! It has come to save us!" Dr. Wright wailed.

"Thank you! Thank you fairy man! I must repay you! Tingle Tingle Kooloo-Limpah!" Tingle shouted as he worked his magic, making balloons appear.

"What do we do now?" Shadow asked.

Link rubbed his hands together and laughed evilly again.

* * *

"You are such a camper!" Marth fumed.

"I am not!" Ike shouted. "You just can't handle mah mad skillz!"

"Throwing me against the rooftop pipe in Delfino Plaza and throwing a Lip's Stick repeatedly at me hardly counts as mad skillz." Marth snapped. Samus groaned.

"Guys knock it off! It doesn't matter since I won anyways!" Zelda looked concerned.

"Link said he was coming. Where _is_ he? I was going to spar with him once you guys were done with your match."

"Wait." Pit said holding his hand up. "Do you guys hear that?" Everyone strained their ears. But they could hear it too. Upbeat techno/disco was playing.

"It's coming from the Conference Room!" Samus said. They rushed over there, the music indeed getting louder as they got closer.

"What in the heck is AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Zelda shrieked as she saw the wild party of Assist Trophies and their friends raging inside. It looked as if the Assist Trophies had broken loose and invited a bunch of their friends over. Hordes of puppies ran around, Tingle's balloons filled the cieling, as did Andross's metal spew. The Devil was doing an unexpectedly awesome dance by pointing. Shadow had invited Rouge, E-123 Omega, and Dr. Eggman, and most of the boxers from Punch-Out!! were there as guests of Little Mac. Disco Kid was in fact the DJ. He was also trying unsuccessfully trying to hit on Super Macho Man.

"Macho Macho Man! I've got to be a Macho Man!" He sang as Super Macho Man admired his reflection.

"Shut up you Village People reject!" He shouted, finally losing his temper. Said song kept playing, but Disco Kid was now sitting in the DJ chair dejectedly. Barbara was also rocking out to the song, adding guitar accompaniment. Starfy was break-dancing, and Issac was sexy dancing with Lyn.

"Aw gross!" Marth shouted as he averted his eyes.

"Dude, what's with you?" Ike asked.

"That's my best friend's mom!"

"Dude, Roy's mom is _hot_."

"I'm pretty sure this Lyn is from a time waaaay before Roy inhabited her uterus." Samus assured Marth. Zelda was scrambling about furiously.

"LINK! GET OUT HERE!" She ran by Jeff, Waluigi, and Mr. Resetti who weren't dancing.

"I tell ya! You youngsters gonna get in trouble for throwin' such a wild party!" Mr. Resetti shouted. As usual, nobody listened to him.

"Link! You are so dead!"

"Heh, baby you just don't know how to live!" Link said as he danced up to her. He was wearing a ridiculous pair of sunglasses that looked like they belonged to Super Macho Man.

"Link what did you do?!"

"I let the Assist Trophies out."

"I can see that, but _why_?"

"Why? _Why?!_ I'll tell you why! Why should these poor Assist Trophies be crammed into a dark room, segregated from us normal Smashers? Ha! You can't tell me can you? Can you think of a good reason? Well I say nay! NAY! The day has come when my bretheren shall assist me in overthrowing the gloved one! Liberty is at hand!"

"Link, you're crazy, and in a world of trouble when Master Hand finds out."

"I thought you'd say that. Security!" Samurai Goroh and Knuckle Joe appeared behind Zelda.

"Take care of her." Link said snapping his fingers.

"You _jerk_! You and I are so through!" Zelda shrieked as she was carried away, the Infantry surrounding her captors should she try to escape.

Link shrugged and did the robot with Omega.

"So who is this guy?" Rouge asked Barbara. Barbara shrugged.

"I dunno. But he freed us and that's good enough for me."

"From what I've heard about this Master Hand guy, I don't think this'll last long."

"May as well get what we can though."

"You'd make a great jewel theif you know."

"Heh. Yeah."

* * *

Zelda was shoved out the door and right into her friends.

"Well?" Marth asked.

"This is Link's doing." She seethed.

"You're going to tell Master Hand?"

"Tell Master Hand what?" Ness asked, who happened to be walking along with Kirby.

"That Link is throwing a mad awesome party with the Assist Trophies." Pit said without thinking.

"Way to go Pit!" Marth shouted, as Ness and Kirby dashed into the party.

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I can't tell a lie!"

"Look, it's no skin off our noses if they get in trouble." Zelda said. "Let's just go and tell Master Hand about it now."

"Tell Master Hand about what?" asked Mario who was conveniently passing by.

"About-" Pit started to say before Samus clapped a hand over his mouth.

"Mama mia! There's not a party going on in there is there?" Before anyone could answer, he shouted "Not without me there's not! Mario Party! Whoohoo!"

"Great. We're just letting people know about this!" Ike grumbled.

"Letting them know about what?" Captain Falcon asked as he did a manly strut down the hall.

"Gah!" Zelda screamed. "Let's just go!"

* * *

But Master Hand was nowhere to be found. And so, the stupid contrived pattern of accidentily alerting people to the party going on continued as they inquired the hand's whereabouts.

"Well great! Now just about everyone in the mansion knows!"

"Well, maybe Master Hand's at the party too." Pit suggested. Samus laughed.

"C'mon Pit. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"Well it's worth a shot isn't it?" the angel asked indignantly.

"DON'T SHOOT ME! I'M ONLY THE PIANO PLAYER!" Crazy Hand shrieked.

"Crazy!" Zelda shouted in surprise.

"F. ScOTt FitzGerAld!"

"Where's Master Hand?" Zelda asked.

"tHe HANDy DanDY maN? WheRe tHe deER and the AntEloPe pLaY!"

"See?! He's totally at the party!" Pit shouted, throwing his hands up for emphasis.

"Pit, this is Crazy talking! You can't take what he says without a grain of salt!" Ike reasoned.

"You know, it's the only place we _haven't_ looked." Samus pointed out.

"But where the deer and the antelope play could mean anything!" Zelda said.

"Yes, but think about it. It _is_ the only place we haven't looked, and Crazy's nonsense generally has a grain of reality in it." Samus said, starting to get frustrated.

"Define grain." Zelda retorted.

"Look, we're going. So if you want to not be open to ideas, then by all means stick around here." Pit said, half glad that his opinion was being taken seriously, half angry that Zelda wasn't giving it a chance. And so, he took off with Ike, Marth, and Samus close behind. Zelda growled and turned in the other direction. Stupid Pit. Stupid logic. She was contemplating joining them and admitting that maybe, _just maybe_, Master Hand was in the party they were trying to bust, when the front door burst open, revealing Master Hand.

"Master Hand! Where've you been?"

**"Getting groceries. Do you realize that nobody's been shopping since the beginning of the story?"**

"Never mind that! Link's let out all the Assist Trophies and started a wild party!"

**"Pwaty? Did somebody say pwaty?!"**

"Yes! C'mon! You've got to hurry!" And so, Zelda sprinted down the hallway, Master Hand close behind. When they reached the door to the Conference Room, they were met by Pit, Samus, Ike and Marth. Snake was there too, crouched in a fetal position. Not having posession of his box was taking a toll on him. But that doesn't matter now.

"See Zelda?! I told you he's...in...there? Hey, who's this other guy?!" Pit looked inside, confused. Indeed, there was another Master Hand in the room, partying wildly. Master Hand dropped the bag of groceries he'd carried with him.

**"What is the meaning of this?! What in the name of Smash is going on?!"** The other Hand noticed his counterpart's arrival.

**_"Oh, hello. I was wondering when we'd meet."_**

**"Who are you and how did you get into my house?!"**

**_"You may call me El Mano Maestro!"_** Pit raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't that just Master Hand in Spanish?"

**_"Well I can't just say I'm Master Hand, even though it's true."_**

**"But I'm Master Hand!" **

**_"Yes, but so am I. I am the creative spirit, as are you, but I am a different creative spirit."_**

**"The Author!"**

**_"Yes, I suppose that's what you would call him in this medium." _**

"So, you're the manifestation of the Author's creativity in this story?" Zelda asked, starting to get it.

**_"Yes, and my brother, El Mano Loco, he's around here somewhere, is the spirit of the Author's zaniness. He's been around a lot this chapter." _**

**"Guh-ooOOOOOOd Mornin' VIETNAM!" **The hand in question said as he appeared in a random puff of concrete. Yes, concrete. It didn't make sense to anyone else either.

**_"Hola Loco! Aside from that one phrase,"_** Maestro explained, **_"he only speaks Spanish."_**

**"LoS coneJoS son MUY SucuLeNTAs MaMa!" **

"But I thought Crazy was the spirit of destruction." Marth said, confused.

**_"Well, in this case, he's being destructive by being zany. C'mon. How much better would this drivel be if it were serious?" _**

While a very valid question, nobody had an answer.

"Well, now what happens?" Pit asked. Again this was a very valid question that nobody had an answer to.

**"Well I certainly can't allow this imposter to run around."** Master Hand finally said. **"We duel!" **

_**"You overestimate yourself, my foolish counterpart."**_ Maestro snorted.

**"Overestimate eh? I'll show you!"** And with that, Master Hand proceeded to slap Maestro."

**_"Oh! It's on now!"_** And the two gloves began getting into a slapfight of gigantic proportions.

"Hey check it out! It's a fight!" one of the Tingle brothers shouted.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" an immense crowd gathered around the fighting hands.

"All right baby, $30 bucks on the guy on the left." Doc Louis shouted to anyone in the vicinity.

"I'll take that bet!" Doctor Eggman replied. Pretty soon, people were betting all over. Fights broke out over said bets. And predictably, the entire room devolved into a massive brawl.

**_"FREE FOR ALL!"_** the announcer voice shouted. Zelda was holding her head in her hands.

"This is so ridiculous." She moaned. Nobody heard her. They were all too busy fighting. It didn't end until Bald Bull charged into Omega, resulting in Omega launching his entire arsenal, pretty much destroying the room. This was kind of awkward, so everybody stopped.

**_"I concede you are powerful. But I am invincible!"_** Maestro taunted. Master groaned.

**"Look, I'm sure we can make some sort of arrangement." **

**_"Probably. But are we willing to stop fighting long enough?" _**

**"I think we can. Look, maybe I overreacted a bit. But the whole double thing kind of took me off guard. And anyways, shouldn't you be behind the scenes?" **

**_"Point taken. But since when have I ever done that?"_**

"Hold up!" Zelda shouted. "You're just telling me that all of a sudden you're the incarnation of the Author?!"

**_"Pretty much." _**

"This is so _lame_!"

**_"NO CONTEST!"_** the announcer voice declared.

"Can't argue with that." Marth smirked.

**_"Alrighty then. Me and my brother will be out of your hair. You can get on with whatever. So proclaims El Mano Maestro! Come Loco!" _**

**_"Hola! HolA! HOLA!"_** Loco shouted as he and Maestro vanished. There was a slight noise. Link was trying to make off unnoticed.

**"You!"** Master Hand thundered as he descended upon him.

"Me?" Link said, trying to sound innocent. Needless to say, he didn't fool anyone.

**"Yes you! What have you done?! What for the love of Miyamoto could have posessed you to unleash the Assist Trophies?! I keep them locked up for a reason you know!"** Link grew angry at this.

"Oh yeah? And what's that? Because I'd sure love to hear it!"

**"They're insane! Lookit 'em!"** Helirin twirled around, sending a Hammer Bro, Grey Fox, and some Excitebike riders, flying around the room.

"How is that any worse than the actual Smashers?"

**"That's the point! They're envious! They're frustrated with me that they're mere items! I can't have them running around sowing seeds of revolution!"**

"Well would it kill you to put them in decent rooming? I found them in a closet with no light or water at all, and barely enough room to swing a Waddle Dee!"

**"Closet? Since when have they been in a closet?"**

"Since you hired Luigi to fix the toilets in the Assist wing!" Shadow grumbled. All eyes turned to Luigi.

"Oh crud." the plumber said, moustache drooping.

"GET 'IM!" Dr. Wright shouted. Before you could blink, Luigi couldn't be seen under the crowd of Assist Trophies fighting to maul him.

"What a silly misunderstanding." Samus laughed, thouroughly amused.

**"I'll say. I'll be glad if that never happens again." **

"So I guess that means Luigi's to blame here?" Link asked.

**"Nice try. You're still in big trouble. Because of you, a wild party went on without me knowing about it, and you half destroyed the Conference Room! I'll think about your punishment later. I don't want to think about it right now." **

And so, he vanished.

Link turned, coming face-to-face with a very enraged Zelda.

"Heh. Um........hug?" He said, holding his arms out.

"You are the most dispicable boyfriend I have ever had!" She screamed, slappipng him across the face.

"I'm sorry?" He ventured

"You have to ask?! You threw me out! You had me manhandled by two Assist Trophies! You did the stupidest thing I thought possible of you!"

"Okay okay! I'm sorry Zelda! I really am! I just really thought that the Assist Trophies deserved better. I couldn't stand to see them oppressed like that, and well, I dunno, I thought maybe I could give 'em a good time." Zelda was still mad, but considerably less so.

"Okay, so you had noble intentions. But you were still stupid."

"I'm not the one with the Triforce of Wisdom, am I?" he asked. "You are. I've got Courage. And we've got those for a reason."

Zelda thought for a while. Link fidgeted.

"So, are we back together again?" the princess smiled.

"Oh why not? That's probably the sweetest thing you've said to me in a while." She then took him up on the hug offer.

"nOw duNt dat jEs Warm uR hart?" Crazy asked.

"That's probably the most sense you've ever made." Ike said. "I'm impressed!" Link suddenly realized something.

"Hey? Where's Sheik? He totally missed this sweet party!"

* * *

Author's Notes: Okay, so I didn't reveal whether the show is for real or not! I also didn't update my other stories first. I also made some incredibly stupid jokes. I wish I could remember who it was that said write absolute crap, and you're bound to write something good on accident. I think it was a British woman. But anyway, I felt like stalling. Or did I? That might be happening for a few chapters. The downside to this is that I feel it makes this story way too similar to What Goes On by Great Chicken Miasma. Well, if anyone feels I'm being unoriginal, let me know and I'll fix it. I intended to introduce an OC I had an idea for in this chapter, but I guess I'll try and introduce him next chapter. I might shift the focus to someone else for a change of pace too. Well, read and review! Sorry if this is too silly, but don't flame it please.


	5. Chapter 5

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 5; And Now For Something Completely Different OR Ness and Kirby's Excellent Adventure

**"Ahem. This is a notice to the readers. Due to the reckless and outlandish actions of our main protagonist last chapter, we have put on hold your usually scheduled crapertainment until his punishment has expired. He is required to read **_**Twilight**_** three times straight through and write a thoroughly detailed report for me so I won't have to read it myself. The following chapter was composed at great expense and at the last minute." **

It seemed to be a normal day at the Smash Mansion, if there were such a thing. The madness from the Assist Trophy party had been largely forgotten, shunted to a part of reality that we reserve for periods of epic win like parties and bowling alleys. But for the most part, it was quiet. A lot of the Smashers were actually sleeping. One of the few bustling about was Peach, who was baking a cake for Mario. She was humming to herself, wondering if she should experiment with pasta cake in the future, and not paying attention to her surroundings. As she waited for the final countdown on the oven's timer, an unseen force was counting down as well.

"3...2...1...GO! BANZAI!!!!" Kirby shouted as he leaped into action. As soon as Peach had taken the cake out of the oven, she'd been back-aired by Ness who then proceeded to PK Flash her while Kirby inhaled the cake.

"Now! Now! Now!" Ness shouted. Kirby made a face and strained. It kind of looked like he had to go to the bathroom.

"Ugh. No good. There's no such thing as Cake Kirby."

"Kirby! why would you do that?! I worked hard on that cake!" Peach whined.

"Oh sorry. You can have it. I can't use it. Although it was very tasty. Coulda used some pasta though." Kirby said and spit out the cake. Of course, it was now a star, and Peach was knocked senseless.

"Haha. Nice." Ness laughed.

"Oops." Kirby said. "Uh, should we wake her up?"

"Nah. Why bother? Let's go do some more awesome stuff!"

"Excellent!" And the duo exited the kitchen performing a killer air guitar riff before rushing off to do acts of unspeakable awesomeness.

Unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, they were being watched by an unseen figure.

"Yes, yes, have your excellent adventures you little twerps. Vengeance shall be mine!"

Solid Snake couldn't take much more of this. His only solace was that the three days was almost over. Link had long since forgotten their bet, but Snake didn't know that. He was resorting to the stealth skills he'd acquired in his FOXHOUND training that didn't require a cardboard box to sneak around in. For the most part, he was doing a good job. He snuck through the hallway, unaware that he too was being watched. He jumped when he was tapped on the shoulder.

"Huh? What do you w--ah!"

"Snake, what happened? Snake, answer me! Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE!" Colonel Campbell shouted.

Ness sighed as he collapsed into an outrageously comfortable chair.

"Wow. Being awesome sure takes it out of you." Kirby grinned and said smugly,

"I've been doing it for years. You get used to it after a few games. It's how Mario, Link, Samus, Snake and Sonic manage to do it so much." Ness frowned at the snide remark, but was too tired to make a rebuttal. Suddenly the room exploded. Yeah, it was pretty hardcore. It just exploded for no good reason.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Finally, my revenge is nigh!"

"Ugh," Kirby groaned, "anybody get the lisence number of that Landmaster?"

"Landmaster? I thought it was the Blue Falcon!" Ness moaned massaging his head.

"It was neither you fools! It was me!"

"Okay, this stupid foreshadowing has been going on all chapter! Just reveal yourself already!" Ness grumbled.

"Very well! Never thought you'd see me again eh? The one you disgraced?! I, Jimmy the Yahtzee Nazi!"

"What in the name of Giygas? You're a Mite!"

Indeed, their assailant was a member of the tiniest, least threatening troop of the Subspace Army.

"YES! QUAKE PUNY MORTALS! QUAKE AT MY FURY!" The Mite then proceeded to kick at Kirby's feet.

"Um, are we supposed to know who this guy is?"

"I don't know." Ness admitted.

"What?! You do not remember our penultimate battle?!"

"Penultimate? Man, that sounds hardcore."

"It will pale in comparison to the ULTIMATE battle we will now have! But you do not remember?"

Kirby and Ness stared at each other, and then shook their heads.

"It was in the chasm of Subspace! The fight that nearly killed all of us!"

"Were there Mites in Subspace?" Kirby asked. Ness shrugged.

"Probably. But there were so many!"

"You left me for dead! But I have returned to wreak my vengeance!"

"Oh? And how are you going to do that?" Jimmy began laughing.

"Oh, let's just say I've captured someone..._special_ to you!"

"*gasp!* Not Paula!" Ness shouted.

"*gasp!* Not Sean Connery!" Kirby wailed.

"Even worse!" Jimmy cackled. "Behold! The legendary Solid Snake at my mercy!" A troop of Towtows carted the unconscious black op in. All expression left Ness' face.

"Seriously? You kidnapped Snake? He means nothing to us!" Jimmy was taken aback.

"But-but _**everyone**_ loves him!"

"Yeah, so what makes you think _we'd_ spring into action to help him? About every other Smasher in the mansion would leap at the chance. There's probably a line halfway aroudn the whole block by now! You've got nothin' on him or us." Ness said crossing his arms and frowning.

"I have to admit though, it's pretty impressive that you managed to kidnap Snake." Kirby muttered.

"AHA! So you tremble in fear!"

"Mm, no I wouldn't say fear. Or tremble. More like shudder in bewilderment."

"What bewilders me is that you don't want to save him to save yourselves!"

"Come again?" Ness asked, confused.

"What happens when I kill Snake and everyone finds out that you could have saved him?"

After a few minutes, the truth of this dawned on Kirby.

"Aw shoot Ness! He's right! We gotta save him!" Jimmy began laughing.

"Excellent. Here's how it will go. We will play three games to determine the fate of Solid Snake. I will select two champions for my side, and you will select one. That way we have teams of three."

"Okay," Ness said grudgingly. "What kind of games?"

"Yahtzee!" Jimmy proclaimed. "How else would I live up to my name?"

"We're going to play three games of Yahtzee?" Kirby moaned. "Borrrrrring!" Jimmy attempted to angrily snarl. It didn't really work.

"Very well. You shall pick the other two games. If you cannot win two out of three of the games, then Snake's life is mine!"

_**"THEN LET THE GAMES BEGIN!"**_ The announcer voice boomed.

"I'll be sporting and allow you to pick the first event." Jimmy said snidely.

"Very well then!" Kirby said drawing himself up. "For our champion, we select...**Elton John**!" Said star appeared instantaneously.

"Odd, but acceptable. May I ask why?" Jimmy asked as he summoned a Floow and a Primid.

Kirby grinned evilly. "Ever since I was a young boy I played the sliver ball. From SoHo down to Brighton, I must have played them all. But I ain't seen nothin' like him in any amusement hall. That deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean..."

"PINBALL!" Elton John sang as pinball machines and The Who randomly appeared. It was then that everyone noticed that Elton was dressed as his character The Champ from the Who's film Tommy. It was on: Elton John vs. a Floow in pinball.

"Kirby!" Ness hissed angrily. "Why'd you pick him?! His character _lost_ in the movie!"

Kirby was too busy dancing to Pinball Wizard courtesy of the Who.

"Don't worry about it Ness! He's Elton John! Ain't nothin' he can't do!"

"He's scoring more!" Elton shouted as he began fumbling. The Floow was clearly good at this sort of thing. As if to add to the nervous atmosphere, Pete Townshend was smashing his guitar, and Keith Moon was kicking his drums over. And then it was finished.

"I thought I was the Bally table king, but I just handed my pinball crown to him! TO HIIIIIIIM!" Elton sang as he collapsed to his knees. Ness smacked Kirby upside the body (I mean, he's all head right?)

"Way to go numbskull! We've already lost one game! And now we're stuck with _him_ for the other two games!"

Kirby was panicking now.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just thought he'd do better against a Floow than Roger Daltrey!"

"Well my esteemed adversaries, it would seem that the first round goes to me." Jimmy taunted. Ness gritted his teeth.

"Yeah. Seems so."

"Well then, let us move on to the next game."

"I'm picking this time." Ness said, mostly to Kirby.

"Then make your selection child."

"Maybe I will stick figure. I pick...baseball!"

_**"PLAY BALL!"**_ The announcer...announced.

"Baseball?!" Jimmy moaned. "Oh come on! I can't play baseball! Look at me!"

"Oh, did I say baseball?" Ness asked innocently. "I meant Wii Sports Baseball!" The Wii Sports title theme blared as Ness triumphantly pointed to heaven.

"How does that make it any fairer?!"

"Silly Jimmy!" Kirby laughed good-naturedly. "_Anybody_ can play Wii Sports!"

"For somebody who's losing so far, you two are in good moods."

"We can't help it! Playing Wii is just too much fun!" Jimmy was beginning to get freaked out.

"Um....ok." He said nervously as he selected his Mii character. The game began, and Jimmy made a pitch. Ness batted it out of the park.

"Home Run!" The game announced.

Five minutes later, Jimmy was in the stick figure equivalent of a fetal position.

"I concede defeat! You win this round!" Ness and Kirby high-fived, and began doing a victory dance with Elton John.

"All right! You swing some mean Wiimote Elton!" Kirby cheered.

"How?! How could I have lost such a simple game?!" Kirby, Ness, and Elton looked at each other sadly. Ness clucked his tongue.

"Poor guy. He doesn't understand the true principle of the Wii."

"Poor soul." Kirby said, bowing his head.

"What is it?! You must tell me!"

"It's _fun_!" Ness said.

"That's....really lame!" Jimmy moaned.

"Whatever. Let's just get your game over with so we can go back to...I dunno." Ness shrugged.

"Okay. Good, good!" Jimmy said, regaining himself. Kirby raised his hand.

"So uh, how _do_ you play Yahtzee?" Jimmy smiled evily.

"We roll the dice and then we both have to yell Yahtzee."

"You'll do it too?"

"Oh yeah. And we have to flap our wrists."

"OK then." Kirby said as he picked up the die case, filled with the five dice. Shaking it up, Kirby tossed the dice out, dropped the container, flapped his tiny arms and shouted

"Yahtzee!!!!"

"Gay." Jimmy snorted.

"You suck!" Kirby said.

"You know what really sucks? Your roll!" Jimmy laughed. Indeed, Kirby had rolled junk. "Lemme show you how a pro does it!" And Jimmy rolled a full house.

"You really are a Yahtzee Nazi aren't you?" Ness asked.

"Yep!"

And so it continued. Round after round. Winning some, losing some, until it was a pretty even draw. Soon, it was down to the final roll.

"Hiya Ness!" Popo called as he and Nana walked into the room.

"Uh, why is Snake tied up?" Nana asked, pointing to the still K.O.'d operative.

"Whatcha doin'?" Popo asked, sitting by Ness.

"Not now Popo."

"But-"

"Just GEEZ! Can't you do something else?! I'm busy! Go...frolic and play the eskimo way!" Nana gasped angrily.

"I find that racially offensive!"

"Yeah!" Popo growled. "How d'you like this?" He slammed his hammer into Ness' hand just as he was about to roll.

"Ow!' Ness yelped. "Popo! Now I'm gonna lose!"

"Wait Ness! Look!" Kirby cheered. Ness had rolled a full house, while Jimmy had rolled only a single pair.

"NO! I NEVER LOSE!" Jimmy screeched as he and his minions spontaneously combusted.

"Huh? What happened? And why am I tied up?" Snake growled as he regained consciousness.

"Snake! You're okay!" Kirby said as he untied him.

"Looks like it." Snake said as he flexed his sore muscles.

"FOOLS! YOU THINK ONE LOSS CAN DESTROY ME?!" Jimmy was back. Except for one thing.

"Holy crap man! You're huge!" It was true. Jimmy had grown to fifty times his normal size. 'Course, that didn't mean he was really _really_ big, but by comparison, huge was a good word to use.

"NOT JIMMY! NOW I AM **PERFECT** JIMMY!"

* * *

Unnecessary scene switch FTW!

* * *

Meanwhile, Link was twitching on the couch. Zelda sat across from him, smirking.

"Grammar....absent! Soooo......bad!"

"Serves you right." Zelda said. "You shouldn't have broken the rules last chapter.

"Look, can I just take a break and talk about something else?" Zelda shrugged.

"Sure. So who do you think is going to be in the next tournament?"

"What makes you so sure there is going to be a tournament."

"Look, this TV show idea has gotten nowhere! I'm pretty sure we're right."

"Maybe. Well, we've always known that the original 12 are safe."

"We didn't always!"

"Huh?"

"There was that ambiguity over Ness, remember?"

"Oh please, like anyone thought he wouldn't be back."

"A lot of people did actually."

"Well it's also proven that a lot of people are stupid."

"True. Let's keep moving. Me, Peach, Bowser, Ice Climbers, Marth, Falco, and Game & Watch are definitley safe. And I'd say it's a safe bet for Pit, Snake, Sonic, Meta Knight, Dedede, Olimar, Diddy, Wario and R.O.B."

"So Ike's pretty sure he and Lucario are at risk, who else?"

"What about Mini You?"

"Toon Link? What about him?"

"Well, he's exactly like Young Link. Surely he'll be replaced."

"I don't think so. I just hope that he gets original and does some different stuff. I mean, he's pretty well established now so he should have plenty of stuff to draw from. Three games under his belt is more than Young Link had."

"Link, most of the games you're a kid."

"Yeah, but _that_ kid was only in two. _This_ kid has been in three. I think they're continuing a separation between cartoony and serious. We're the serious, and he's the cartoony, so it's fair that he's in."

"Point taken. What about Lucas?"

"Aw don't get me started! I can't stand that kid!"

"Why?! He's a sweetheart!"

"He's a pansy! Ness is way cooler!"

* * *

Speaking of which...!

* * *

"You'll never win now Jimmy! It's me, Kirby, Elton John, the Ice Climbers, and Snake against you, a Floow, and a Primid!"

"FOOLS! I HAVE MORE POWER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!" Kirby burst out laughing.

"Dude, don't tell me about dreams, mk? I'm from _Dream_Land! I am about 100% positive that I can imagine more."

"Oh really? Well I must prove you wrong cuz..."

"Oh crud!" Popo cried. "He switched to a soft voice! Hit the deck!"

"IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZARS! BLAH!!!!" The lazar vaporized the entire room. The party struggled to get up, finding themselves in the dining hall, three floors down.

"Didn't we already use that joke?" Ness moaned as he brushed the dust off his shirt and hat.

"No, I really don't think we did." Kirby said thoughtfully.

"Really? I could've sworn we did."

"Guys! Stay focused! We have a bigger problem!" Snake shouted, pulling the pin of a grenade.

"Right! So, how do we beat him?" Ness asked as the grenade exploded uselessly against Perfect Jimmy.

"I have an idea! Elton! Sing! Sing for our lives!" But Elton John was nowhere to be found.

"NOW PERISH MORTALS!" Jimmy shouted.

"Hey twig!"

"WHO DARES CALL ME THUS?!"

"Me, the elf who'sa kick yo' sorry behind back to Subspace!"

"Link! He come to town!" Nana cheered as Link stepped forward.

"MY QUARREL IS NOT WITH YOU PUNY ELF."

"Well do you at least want to have a nice read before you finish off your mortal foes? I've found it helps you focus."

"HMM....NOVEL IDEA. HAVE YOU A SUGGESTION?"

"Yep! Knock yourself out!" Link said as he handed Perfect Jimmy _Twilight_.

Five minutes later...

"THE PAIN! YOu tricked me...!"

"Yes, yes I did." Link said calmly as Perfect Jimmy shrunk down to normal Jimmy size.

**"Excellent work Link!"** Master Hand was clapping. Yes, clapping with only one hand. He's that cool.

"Master Hand! Where've you been?"

**"Never mind that. What you did is fantastic! You beat a major threat only using bad literature! Too cool! Consider yourself off probation Link. Just keep out of trouble now." **

"What about Jimmy?" Ness asked as Link pumped his fist in victory. "Back to subspace with him?"

**"Noooo! Way too dangerous! He could come back! I think keeping him in the basement with a regular dose of **_**Twilight**_** will keep him at bay."**

"That's a relief." Kirby exhaled.

"So I guess this is then end of the chapter then." Ness said.

**"Looks that way. Thanks for keeping those lunatics out there entertained while Link served his debt to society."**

"No problem."

"So what do we do now?" Kirby asked.

"I dunno. This is going on and on."

"Ness, I'm scared."

Oh for Pete's sake. I'll just end this now!

* * *

Author's Notes: Jeez! I couldn't think of a good way to end this. Sorry for the lame jokes in this chapter. Jimmy is the OC I talked about before who I never had a chance to use until now. And the idea of Elton John randomly popped up, and I couldn't resist. I'm happy to say that I won't be stalling anymore. You'll all find out what exactly's going on next chapter! Read and Review! Oh, and please review intellegently. To my displeasure, someone recently left a thoughtless review saying that this story was too complicated. It's really not. I don't know about you, but the entire point of this for me is randomness and not making sense. So please either offer something I can legitimately improve on, or give me an intellegent opinion. Thanks!


	6. Chapter 6

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 6: In Which All is Revealed, or Season 1

It was utter chaos. Again. Everyone was clamoring outside of Master Hand's office door, shouting and banging on the door.

"Let us in!" Bowser growled as he tried to burn the door down with his fire breath. Somehow, the wooden door was fireproof. In fact, it probably wasn't even real wood. Or it was magic. Just don't worry about it.

They tried everything. Final Smashes did absolutely nothing to it, as Captain Falcon learned the hard way. Everyone knew deep down he'd never be the same again. Finally, the door opened, and Master Hand appeared. To the surprise of everyone, he jumped in...shock? I don't want to use surprise again as I hate repetition. And redundancy.

**"What are you all doing out here?" **

"What are you doing in there?! Couldn't you hear us knocking?" Luigi asked angrily.

**"Absolute proof door. Nothin' gets by it. Sound, fire, water, babies...nothing!" **

"That would have been nice to know." Captain Falcon said shakily. Peach crouched down and urged him to conserve his energy until they could get Dr. Mario to him.

"So what's the deal Hand?" Ganondorf asked sinisterly. "Is this TV show happening or not?"

**"What ever made you think it wasn't?!"** All eyes turned to Link and Zelda.

"You said he was bluffing!" Ness raged.

"Yeah!" Lucas chimed in.

"We said that's what we thought was happening!" a distraught Zelda said.

**"GUYS! Chill! You didn't know? First season's wrapped up. I've been working on the DVD cut." **

"What?! I think I'd know if I'd been starring in a show against my will." Pit said, unusually angry.

**"Oh that's right! I made you think it was a sitcom! Well in a way it was, but...know what? Let's watch it! It'll be easier than trying to explain it to you."**

There was a crazy stampede to get inside the office where everyone knew a twenty foot screen hung on the wall. It was like being in a movie theater. As if to make it even more so, Master Hand shaped the floor of the office to a movie theater's and added seats.

**"CORNPOP! TAKE SUM CORNPOP! OR HAOZ BOUT NATCHOZ?! U LIEK NATCHOZ RITE OLLYMARS?"** Crazy shouted, throwing popcorn and nachos at everyone.

"I er, yes! I do like nachos!" Olimar said timidly.

**"AW WELL THEN HEERS SUM MOAR!"** Crazy tittered, tossing a truckload of cheesed nachos at the alien explorer.

Eventually, everyone quieted down. The projector got running, and the lights went down...

* * *

**"The year was 1998. I, awesome as I am, had limitless time and energy. As you can imagine, that's more than I knew what to do with. So I began racking my brain for ideas for something to do. I had unlimited access to the worlds of the multiverse, and those worlds from the video game sector intrigued me the most. So I observed, and I narrowed my interest down even more. I learned of heroes, villains, and damsels. And most of them could fight like nobody I'd ever seen before. So I got my idea. A tournament of the best fighters from these worlds. My name is Master Hand, and this was...SUPER SMASH BROS.!"**

RE-ENACTMENT

It was a bright sunny day. Not too hot, not too cold, perfect. Even the clouds were smiling. Well, they did that all the time. In a certain house, a certain plumber woke up.

"Mama mia! What a gorgeous day!" Mario said as he brushed the sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'll take a walk down to Toad Town!" He got up, stretched, and started out. Stomping a few Goombas here, kicking a few Koopa Shells there, and generally having a blast traveling. Just then, a floating glove appeared.

**"Greetings Mario! It is an honor to meet a legendary hero such as yourself!" **

"Whoah! Give me a heart attack, that's fine! Who are you?"

**"Call me Master Hand. And I have a proposition for you." **

"What kind of proposition?"

**"Actually, let's call it an invitation. An invitation to participate in a tournament of fighters from all over the multiverse. Just for funsies! I have three people to talk to in this world right now, counting you. Even if you're not interested, can you tell me where I might find Yoshi and Donkey Kong?" **

"A tournament? Sounds fun! Alright, I'm game! Uh, you can get any Yoshi off the street. Or are you looking for a particular one?"

**"Preferably the one that carried you and your brother to safety on Yoshi's Island." **

"Oh that one. He lives in Peach's Castle now. I'll take you there!"

**"Excellent! And what about Donkey Kong?" **

"Kong Island's a long way from here. To the south, and about a five days journey _with_ Warp Pipes."

**"I have more efficient ways of traveling. Let me demonstrate. I'll take us to Peach's Castle now."** And with that, they vanished, reappearing outside the castle that housed the government of the Mushroom Kingdom.

"Wow! Cool way to travel!"

**"I never get tired of it! We can go right in, right?"**

"Yep! They love me! And if you're with me, they'll trust you." So, Mario opened the door.

**"No wonder the princess gets kidnapped so much. Minimal security, I'm tellin' ya!"** Master Hand muttered as they walked by a lone Toad guard.

"Oh Mario! I wasn't expecting to see you today! Who's your friend?" It was Princess Peach Toadstool herself.

"Peach, this is Master Hand. We're looking for Yoshi, have you seen him?"

"He's on the roof again. Wanna use the stairs?"

"Why not the cannon out front?"

"Remember what happened last time?"

_"Hey Luigi! Betcha I can reach the roof via cannon!"_

_"Ten coins says you can't!"_

_"You're on!"_

_SPLAT_

"Fine, I'll use the stairs." Mario grumbled.

After weaving through the corridors of the castle, they finally reached the rooftop where Yoshi was snoozing under the sun.

"Hiya Yoshi!" Mario called. Yoshi opened his eyes and then stretched.

"Hey Mario!" He said in Yoshispeak. "What's shakin'?"

"This guy wants to know if you're interested in a fighting tournament."

"Depends. Who's in it?"

"Well, I accepted his invite, but I don't know who else."

**"So far it's just you. Now, I can understand what he's saying, but how can you?" **

"You pick these things up after a while." Mario said cryptically.

**"Oooookay. Works for me. So, whaddaya say Yoshi?" **

"I say sure!"

**"Alright! Now I'm trying to keep this small at first. See, I don't know if it'll be a success or not. So let's just get Donkey Kong, and we'll go." **

"Well we can't just leave! We should probably let people know that we're going."

**"Fair enough. Make it quick, I'll be waiting up here." **

And so, Mario and Yoshi went back inside to find Peach.

"Where's Master Hand?" Peach asked when she noticed they were alone.

"Still on the roof. Look Peach, we're going for a while. On a trip with Hand. We don't know how long we'll be gone. Tell Luigi for me willya?" Peach's face became sad, but she said

"Alright, I'll tell him. Be safe you two!"

"We will. I'll write or call, or whatever as soon as I can!" Mario said as he and Yoshi dashed back up to the roof.

After another impressive display of teleportation, they were in the steamy jungles of Kong Island.

"Okay, I think I should warn you: DK and I aren't the best of friends. I have no idea how he'll react to seeing us here."

"Oh, hey Mario." DK said as he calmly walked by.

"Speak of the devil! DK! I wanna talk to you!"

"Make it quick. Otherwise, I'll be filled with the urge to mash you into banana pulp."

**"My name is Master Hand, and I would like to personally invite you to a tournament of the greatest fighters in the universe." **

"Greatest in the universe?! Count me in!"

**"Excellent! Well then, I'm sorry to say it, but I'll have to put you three in suspended animation until we're ready. Simplest way you see."** And before they could even protest, Master Hand had frozen the plumber, the dinosaur, and the gorilla and moved on to the next world.

****

Link stood on the plateau overlooking the spectacle that was Hyrule Field. Raising the Ocarina of Time to his lips, he played the simple ditty that summoned his trusty steed Epona. They cantered down the slope, and galloped across the field, coming to a stop near Lon Lon Ranch.

**"Salutations Link!" **

"Who're you?" Link asked cautiously, slowly reaching for the Master Sword.

**"Be calm. I mean you no harm. My name is Master Hand, and I would like to invite you to a tournament of the best fighters in the world!" **

"The best? Wow, I dunno."

**"Come on! It'll be fun!" **

"I guess I'll give it a shot."

**"Excellent. Now stay calm while I put you in suspended animation. Just until everyone's ready."** And with that, Master Hand turned Link into a trophy just as he'd done with Mario, Yoshi, and Donkey Kong. And as before, he moved on to the next universe.

****

Samus Aran prowled the caverns of Zebes carefully. She'd been sent on a directive from the Galactic Federation to check and see if everything in Zebes was really dead this time. It was, as far as she could tell, but that didn't stop the bounty hunter from being extremely thorough. The last thing she needed was to have to come back here again because the Space Pirates had managed to set up a base after she thought she'd destroyed it. Again!

**"Remain calm Samus. I'm standing right behind you. Well technically, I'm not even standing, but you get the gist."** Samus completely disregarded this and began firing wildly with her Arm Cannon.

"Freeze! Under the authority of the Galactic Federation, identify yourself!"

**"I am Master Hand, and I only wish to speak with you! You didn't have to go all trigger happy." **

"Make it quick."

**"I've come to invite you to a tournament of the best fighters in the video game multiverse! Do you accept the invitation?"** Samus thought for a minute.

"Sounds challenging. I'm in." Lather, rinse, repeat. Master Hand finished his work there and moved on.

****

Dreamland was as sunny and cheerful as always. It was a quiet day at Castle Dedede. Until....

"COMIN' THROUGH!" Kirby screamed happily as he tore through the field outside, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. "SORRY STEVE!" He shouted as he ran over a Waddle Dee guard.

"It's okay Kirby!" Steve said weakly.

"Sorry Gerald!" Kirby said as he inhaled a block and spat it at a Gordo.

"Uh, it's okay?" Gerald said, unharmed, as Kirby raced by him.

"King Dedede! Guess what guess what guess what!?"

"What do you want, Kirby? I'm busy!" King Dedede grumbled as he stood up.

"I saw...a rock!"

"A rock?"

"The coolest rock ever!"

"That's nice Kirby." King Dedede moaned as he sat back down at his throne.

**"Excuse me, are you Kirby?"** Master Hand asked as he appeared.

"Yep!"

**"So this is Dreamland?" **

"Yep!"

**"Aw crap. So how do I know I'm not dreaming?" **

Kirby laughed. "Come on! If this were a dream, could I do this?" He asked as his arms turned into ginormous jaws. "Or this?" His entire body was covered in a plethora of pointy objects.

**"Despite the fact that you just proved my point, I've come to invite you to a fighting tournament." **

"Cool! Count me in!"

"Hey!" King Dedede shouted "What about me? I'm tougher than this gumball'll ever be!"

**"Maybe next year."**Master Hand said nonchalantly as he trophified Kirby.

****

"Corneria Fleet, this is Fox McCloud! Approaching target. Preparing to bomb!"

"Use bombs wisely!" Peppy cautioned Fox from his Arwing.

"I know." Fox gritted his teeth as his Arwing sped toward the hidden base of Andross' followers.

"Do a barrel roll!"

"Just shut up already Peppy! Man! What's gotten into you?"

**"Attention Fox! Do you copy?" **

"This is Fox McCloud, I copy. Identify yourself!" Suddenly Fox forgot his frustration with Peppy.

**"My name is Master Hand, and I'm here to invite you to a tournament of heroes and fighters!" **

"I don't know if you've noticed, I'm more of a pilot than a fighter."

**"But your prestige and renown makes you a perfect candidate for the tournament. What do you say?" **

"Hmmm..." Fox thought.

"I say go for it!" Falco said. "C'mon Fox! What've you got to lose?"

"Okay then. Falco, you're in charge while I'm gone!"

****

Master Hand next found himself in a dense forest. He began wandering around, wondering where the one he sought was. Suddenly, his vision went black.

**"Whoah! What is this?"** He cried as his vision returned. It was then he noticed he'd found who he was looking for.

**"Pikachu!"** The electric mouse squeaked.

**"Hi there little guy!"** Master Hand said in a mock baby voice. **"Would you like to come with me and meet some fun people?"**

Pikachu's response to that was to fry the crap out of Master Hand.

"You need to weaken it before you can capture it!"

**"Who're you?"**

"I'm Bob, and I figure importantly into another fanfiction!"

**"Okay then. Can you give me a hand?"**

In nothing flat I- I mean Bob, had caught the Pikachu for Master Hand.

**"Awesome!"**Master Hand said as he released the Pikachu from its Poke Ball. **"So how about it Pikachu? I'm hosting a fighting tournament. Thought you'd like to participate. Will you?"**

Pikachu nodded in agreement.

**"Great! That should be enough to get this going."**Master Hand said as he turned Pikachu into a trophy and teleported away.

* * *

PART 2 - Episode 2 

With a wave of...himself? Master Hand woke up the motley crew of eight crazy characters he'd been collecting.

**"Glad to see you're all awake. This sort of reminds me of one phrase in particular....heroes always arrive late. You all know who I am, but you don't really know too much about why you're here."**

"A fighting tournament, right?" Donkey Kong asked. "Let's get to it! I wanna show Mario here who's boss!"

**"We'll get to that!"** Master Hand said hastily. **"This tournament isn't official yet. I selected you eight as a trial group. I might collect more people before it actually starts."** Master Hand got down to business and explained the rules of the fights. Explaining about damage percents and being knocked offstage.

**"Well, that's the basic gist of it. So let's get started! So begins the first SUPER SMAAAAAASH BROTHERS Tournament!"**

It was absolute bedlam. For no good reason, everyone started fighting as soon as he spoke. As if they thought the tournament started then. Yoshi had promptly swallowed Fox and spat him out as an egg in the general direction of Pikachu, who was busy electrocuting Samus. Mario and DK had gotten into their promised fight, with Donkey Kong taking an early lead. Link was trying to get the Master Sword out of Kirby's throat. Suddenly, Mario voiced a concern that nobody else had noticed.

"Uh, where are we anyway?"

The fighting stopped instantaneously.

**"Good question. You've been gleefully wrecking my house. This is the Smash Mansion. I built it as a residence of mine, and for you to live while the tournament goes on."** Everyone suddenly felt very guilty about wantonly abusing the space provided to them. **"Let's keep fighting to the official stuff. That'll take place elsewhere. But never mind that now, you just proved that this is a great idea! I mean man! Talk about a brawl! Definitely epic!" **

"So what do we do now?" Samus asked.

**"Well I've got some stuff to take care of, finalizing the tournament, negotiating TV deals, that sort of thing. You feel free to hang out. Get to know each other! Fight over rooms! Just don't get too crazy while I'm gone." **

Everyone looked after Master Hand as he floated down the long hallway. They were standing in the entrance hall of the Mansion. They had no clue where everything else was.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to look around this place." Link said, and ascended the stairs.

"I'll go with you!" Samus called as she followed. "You cannot leave me alone with those freaks!" She muttered when they were out of earshot. "You look like the only sane one here."

"Really? They all seem okay."

"And you're optimistic too. I like that. What's your name?"

"I'm Link. The Hero of Time, wielder of the Master Sword, and the keeper of the Triforce of Courage. What's yours?"

"Samus Aran...Bounty hunter...predator of the Metroids?"

Link laughed as Samus stumbled over a fancy introduction.

"Sorry." He said, "I wasn't trying to intimidate."

"It's cool." She said as they descended another flight of stairs, bringing them back to the first floor. "You're just giving a brief resume. I can only wonder what some of the people here have accomplished."

"I know. Some of these guys look more like stuffed toys than heroes. Oh hey! It's the kitchen!"

Indeed, they had found the kitchen. They investigated, finding a plethora of foods.

"So where are you from?" Samus asked as she sat at the table.

"I'm from a place called Hyrule." Link said as he investigated the unfamiliar object called a refrigerator.

"Sort of a swords and sorcery place?"

"How'd you know?"

"Because you're so interested in technology that seems ancient to me. I'm from a place where travel into outer space is possible."

"Hence the armor." Link observed.

"Yeah."

Their little chat was interrupted by the arrival of the other Smashers. Arguments about food ensued, forcing Link and Samus to duck and cover as food was flung all about.

"This sure is a weird place." Link said as they commando crawled out of the kitchen.

"You're telling me!" Samus said, getting up. "Hm, I wonder what this is? 'Item Closet.'"

"Let's find out!" Link said as he opened the door. As the label suggested, it was a closet. A large one, but still a closet. And it was filled with all manner of stuff.

"Hey! I recognize that! It's a Heart Container!" Link said as he examined the pink recovery item.

"What's it do?"

"It gives me another unit of health."

"I wonder what it's doing here?"

"I dunno. Do you recognize anything?"

"Nope. That Ray Gun looks like it could be from my world, but it's kind of generic don't you think?"

"I guess. I'm sure somebody knows what some of these are."

"Oh look! Here's some barrels. And a baseball bat. Do you have baseball in your world?"

"I'm going to say no because I have no idea what that is."

"Fair enough. Yeah, I don't recognize anything else."

"Well then, no use hanging around here." Link said as he exited.

They continued exploring the Mansion, finding a lot of empty rooms. They also found the living room, lunchroom, and a way out back.

"Wow. We must've covered every inch of this place." Samus said.

"Yeah. Kind of makes me feel at home though. I do a lot of exploring."

"Me too. It's part of my job."

"Well, I'm going to find a bedroom. Goodbye Samus. It was nice meeting you."

"And you Link." Samus said as the hero ascended the staircase.

* * *

Master Hand sat in his office poring over reams of paperwork. After a while, he tossed a huge stack of unread material to the floor, to focus on a few particular files.

**"Let's see...I met King Dedede. Don't know about him. I'll put him in pending. Bowser, Princess Peach I also met, Luigi, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo, Captain Falcon, Ness, Balloon Fighter, Pit...man! So many potential candidates!"** He started the tedious task of reading the files. **"Hm...Captain Falcon seems pretty cool. And I'm sure Mario would love to have Luigi around. Perhaps Jigglypuff for another Pokemon, and that Ness kid seems like he'd round things out nicely. It's settled then! I'll search out these four contestants!"**

* * *

The next morning, the Smashers awoke at first sunshine and all convened downstairs for breakfast.

"Wow! That was some fight!" Mario chuckled to Yoshi.

"DK nearly got you! It was pretty cool."

"You got lucky." DK grumbled. "If it hadn't been for Master Hand, I would've torn your arms off!"

**"Gooooood morning everyone! I can see you're all up bright and early!"**

"Wait, someone's missing." Fox said.

**"Looks like Link and Samus aren't here."** Master Hand agreed. **"We'll just have to wait for them."**

The Smashers in question, were in fact still upstairs. As for why, I'll get to that! Jeez, you people are so impatient! Anyways, Link had woken up, and rather than go down with everyone else, had decided to wait for his new friend. He walked to Samus's door and knocked.

"Hey Samus, you ready?" No response. "Samus?" Still nothing. Link turned the door handle. It was unlocked, so he entered.

It didn't look like Samus was in. But the Power Suit was. Link, being naturally curious, examined it. He grasped the individual parts, feeling them, familiarizing himself with them. Eventually he came to the torso part of the armor. He looked at the inside. It was padded with foam, likely to prevent chafing against the body. It was then that link noticed something peculiar. There were two divots in the foam. Rather large divots. Right about where....

"Oh my Farore." Link breathed as he realized what he'd discovered.

"You picked the wrong room to break into bucko." Everything went black.

When Link came to, he was face to face with who had to be Samus. But he never would have believed that someone as ruthless and cunning as Samus Aran would be so...beautiful.

"Samus! Hi, I just was wondering if you were coming down to breakfast!"

"So you decided to snoop around my room? Bad idea. Understand this Link. I don't like people knowing too much about me. It makes my job harder. And I really would rather not have everybody know that I'm a woman. So if you make even the _slightest_ indication, I will hunt you down and end you!"

"Alright! Alright! So are you going to untie me?"

"Mmmmm....no. I don't feel like it."

"Oh come on! I promised you I wouldn't tell!"

"Not my problem." Samus said as she donned her armor and left her room. Within minutes, Link had freed himself and escaped. Fearing his safety slightly, he went back down to the lunchroom which, despite its name, was more of a general dining hall.

**"Link! There you are! Everybody's here now! So then, let's get down to business. The final roster for the tournament has been finalized. You eight are in it, but I have also found four others! And heeeeeere they are!"** The four newcomers entered the room.

"Mario!"

"Luigi!"

"SUPER MARIO BROTHERS!" They cheered as they high-fived and did a sort of secret-handshake dance.

**"Uh, yeah. This is Luigi. He's Mario's brother. Yoshi and Donkey Kong also know him. This,"** he indicated a pink balloon- like creature **"is Jigglypuff. It's a Pokemon like Pikachu that specializes in putting its enemies to sleep. This is Captain Falcon. He's the winner of the prestigious F-Zero Grand Prix and a notorious bounty hunter." **

"Show me your moves!" Captain Falcon saluted.

**"I'm sure they will. And finally, this is Ness. He's a psychic kid from Onett, Eagleland who's saved the world and stuff. So there you have it! You twelve are the first of a special elite. ARE YOU READY TO MAKE HISTORY?!" **

"YES!" Everyone screamed.

**"Awesome! The tournament will begin in three days. You have until then to train. I'll need to speak with each of you about the moves you'll be able to use. I'll post a sign-up sheet outside my office. That just about wraps everything up! So, Link, Samus, care to explain why you two were late?" **

"Oh, no reason." Samus said hastily.

"Well, not a big deal really." Link said.

**"Come on. We all wanna know. You held us up for like ten minutes."** Master Hand coaxed.

"Well, I was waiting for Samus actually." Link said.

**"Intrigue! Continue." **

"That's it." Samus said threateningly. "He was waiting for me because we're friends. Isn't that right Link?"

"That's right. She's my friend." Link immediately clapped a hand over his mouth.

_"SHE?!"_ Everyone gasped.

"Oops." Link squeaked.

"I warned you." Samus growled.

"I'm sorry! It was an accident!"

"I don't care! You're going down elf boy!"

**"Ooh! Drama between the competitors already! The ratings'll soar for this! Alrighty then! First battle, Link vs. Samus in three days!" **

* * *

PART 3 - Episode 3

The next three days passed very slowly for Link. Mostly, he spent the days training, or staying in his room trying to avoid Samus. But soon enough, it was time. They were teleported to a large stadium that consisted of a floating platform in the middle. The stands were packed with people, all cheering and screaming.

**"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! IT IS MY SINCERE PLEASURE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE FIRST MATCH OF THE SUPER SMASH BROTHERS TOURNAMENT!" **

The crowd went wild.

**"For today's match, we've got two intense fighters. Player 1 is from the land of Hyrule. He's saved reality multiple times from a demon king, and wields divine power, so give it up foooor Link!"**

The crowd went ballistic, especially the fangirls.

**"Player 2 is from the reaches of outer space where she hunts down criminals for the Galactic Federation. Here she is ladies and gents, the scourge of the Metroids, Samus Aran!" **The crowd kept on cheering.

**"Are you both ready?"** Master Hand asked. **"This is the first match _ever_. So make it good!"** Link gulped and nodded weakly.

"When I'm done with you, I'll use your sword as a toothpick." Samus said, thoroughly intimidating Link.

**"Whoahohoho! Looks Like Link's got his hands full folks! But we'll see if Samus is as tough as her words. See, there's already been a bit of drama between the contestants. Samus here didn't want everyone here knowing that she was a woman."**

"Yeah, and now that stupid Captain Falcon won't leave me alone!" She growled to Link.

**"Well it'll be settled right here, right now! You viewers voted, and now, we'll reveal where their battle will take place!"** A giant screen appeared with nine pictures of landscapes. The voting percentage each stage had gotten appeared over each image.

**"And Planet Zebes has it!" **

The arena suddenly transformed, and Link and Samus both vanished. Platforms appeared, the floor changed to a stone cavern and an ocean of acid appeared beneath the main platform. Link reappeared, carried in by a tornado as he was in the original Legend of Zelda. A save portal from Super Metroid appeared, and Samus stepped out.

_**"3! 2! 1! GO!"**_The announcer shouted. Samus wasted no time in laying the hurt on Link. She snagged him with her Grapple Beam and tossed him across the floor. Link thought fast and brought out a bomb. He quickly lit it and tossed it at Samus. But Samus had turned into a ball and rolled underneath the arc of the bomb. Right as she came out of the Morph Ball though, Link snagged her with his Hookshot. He reeled Samus in, clubbing her with the hilt of the Master Sword. After a few hits though, Samus broke free, catching Link in a Screw Attack. Link flinched and gained the second platform he'd been pushed up to by Samus. Thinking quickly, he brought out his boomerang and threw it at Samus.

"Missed!" Samus taunted. She was promptly hit in the back as the boomerang return.

"Did not!" Link shouted, pulling out another bomb. Samus easily avoided this one too, and began charging her Arm Cannon. Link of course, didn't know what she was doing and took the time she was idling to get close. He raised his sword, preparing for a big blow, but Samus beat him to it and blasted him. Link was sent flying a ways, but was easily able to recover. Samus in the meantime had picked up a small white and red ball. Curious, she tossed the Pokeball, releasing a Charizard who proceeded to shoot a jet of fire right in Link's direction, shooting him into the air.

"Come on! COME ON!" He shouted as he tried to make his way back to the stage.

"We're even!" Samus called as she watched him fly away. The audience cheered, and then gasped. Link had made it back to the stage.

"Really? Cool." He said as he unleashed a spin attack on Samus, knocking her over. Link suddenly noticed something peculiar. The item Samus had called a baseball bat. He picked it up and rushed Samus, swinging at her with all his might. It cracked loudly against her armor, and pushed her way off of the stage. But Samus managed to recover...right into the rising acid of Zebes. Link quickly jumped up to the highest platform to avoid it, but Samus was trapped, and sustained heavy damage. "Goodbye Samus. You fought well." Link said as he jumped, thrusting his sword down into her. Samus was thrown to the floor, and ricocheted up into the air, far out of the boundaries of the stage.

_**"GAME SET! THIS GAME'S WINNER IS...LINK!"**_The announcer shouted as the Get Triforce jingle from the original Legend of Zelda played. Link raised the Master Sword in victory, and for good measure, flourished it as he put it back in its sheath. Before he knew it, Link had been teleported back to the Smash Mansion, along with Samus.

**"That was fantastic! Exactly what I was looking for!**" Master Hand gushed as everyone rushed up to congratulate Link. Link ignored them however, looking over at Samus.

"You fought well." Samus snorted.

"Right. I got beaten on my own home stage. How could I have forgotten about the acid?"

"It could have happened to anyone. It nearly got me too." Link said, trying to encourage her. "Look Samus, I'm sorry about blowing your cover. You're my first friend in this tournament. Can we still have that?"

"I guess." Samus nodded. "I'm sorry I overreacted. It's just...I didn't want to be taken less seriously because of my sex, I wanted to get respect here on my own."

"Are you kidding?!" Link asked. "You have my respect, and you probably have most of the other Smashers' respect for being such an awesome fighter. So what if you lost? This game's as much about luck as it is skill. I'd put my money on you against any of these guys!" Samus removed her helmet and smiled.

"Thanks Link. You're alright, you know that?"

**"So that little bit of drama had gotten behind us all, and the rest of the tournament went off without a hitch. We pared it down pretty quickly. After the preliminary rounds, we held a loser's circuit to determine placement, or 'tier listing' (despite complaints I received from fans that quoth they: tires r 4 queers!). In the final run, it went like this in order from first place to last: Pikachu, Fox, Kirby, Captain Falcon, Mario, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, Jigglypuff, Ness, Luigi, Link, and finally, Samus. It was a great success. I knew instantly I had to do it again. **

**King Dedede tried to apply again, so did Mario's rival Wario. I told them both that they weren't needed. I did however take Mario's archenemy Bowser up on his application, as well as Princess Peach's. Mario also told me of his exploits as a doctor, so I temporarily cloned him so that he could fight as Dr. Mario. From Link, I learned that he'd been able to fight well as a child, so I contacted his younger self, his love the Princess Zelda who could transform into a Sheikah warrior named Sheik, and the King of Evil Ganondorf. Fox managed to persuade his friend Falco to join, I managed to find the legendary Mewtwo, as well as Pikachu's younger brother Pichu. Donkey Kong had tried to get his sidekick Diddy Kong to join, but he declined. For a time, Ness was unsure if he wanted to return, so I scoured the MOTHER universe and found a hero in the future named Lucas. I ended up telling him that he was welcome to join in the future once Ness decided he would return. I also began broadening my horizons to other worlds, finding a prince named Marth, and a lord from a different reality of the same world named Roy. In trying to find the Balloon Fighter I'd considered before, I found a team of Ice Climbers. Strangest of all, I met Mr. Game & Watch. I knew at once that he was unique, and had to have him. He was happy to join. Something else strange happened. Someone from another world tried to contact me to join the tournament: a mercenary named Solid Snake. I politely rejected him, saying that he wouldn't fit in. **

**So came the Super Smash Bros. Melee tournament. It was another great success, with Fox as the winner (Marth, Falco, and Sheik taking the next spots). This time though, the combatants started getting, well...a little not right in the head. Coop up too many crazies in one house, and stuff gets broken. Not helping matters was the fact that my mother sent my challenged brother Crazy to live with us. For a while, I considered abandoning the Smash Bros. concept. But fan demand changed my mind, and I began planning the Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament. **

**As soon as I announced the tournament, Mario, Pichu, Mewtwo, Link, and Roy came to me. Mario was tired of fighting as two, and Link was just plain tired of his younger self. So I agreed to take Dr. Mario and Young Link out of the tournament. Roy, Pichu, and Mewtwo also handed in their resignations, which I reluctantly accepted. I finally took up King Dedede and Wario up on their requests, and I even agreed to let Snake in. This encouraged me to look for 'third-party' characters. Characters who did not inhabit worlds bound together in the Nintendo universe. Snake was of a world from the Konami universe. I spoke to Mario, seeing if he knew anything about other fighters from outside of his universe. He told me that long ago, he'd had a fierce rivalry with a blue hedgehog named Sonic. But it had been years since anything had happened. So I contacted Sonic the Hedgehog. He was thrilled at the prospect of a fighting tournament, especially if Mario was going to be there. Pit, a possibility I'd considered before applied, and I eagerly let him in. King Dedede recommended Meta Knight to me. At first I was unimpressed, but when I saw him fight, I changed my mind. Diddy Kong also changed his mind and entered. Searching more from the world of Fire Emblem, I found Ike. I also decided to try and find the trainer who had helped me before: Bob. But I couldn't find him, so I went with another Pokemon Trainer named Red. Together we captured the Aura Pokemon Lucario. Olimar and the Pikmin were an odd group, but I decided to take a chance on them. Wolf O'Donnell Fox's rival applied, asking for a chance to fight Fox. R.O.B., a little robot, seemed uninterested, but joined nonetheless. Going back on my promise to Link slightly, I recruited Toon Link. Finally, Samus told me in private that she'd like to try fighting without her armor for a change, so I let her have the option of fighting without. This gave me the brilliant idea of introducing the Smash Ball. This, plus the edition of Snake and Sonic, made Brawl by far the biggest tournament yet. So far, this TV series has delved into the history of the tournament. Now, we take you on an inside look at what goes in on the Smash Mansion. Come on in!" **

**

* * *

**

Samus looked at Link.

"I remember that now." She said, smirking at Link, who laughed nervously.

"You did a bad thing Master Hand." Pit said shortly. "You got us all worked up about a sitcom, only for this whole show thing to be a documentary?!"

**"Well it sort of does become a sitcom."** Master Hand said. **"But I haven't edited those episodes yet, so skidaddle! All of you! Out of my office!"**

The Smashers filed out, some grumbling over 'cruel and unusual punishment', some discussing the high points of the episodes they'd seen.

"Well, that's not too bad, is it?" Zelda asked. "I mean, we've already been through the worst. We don't have to worry about acutally filming anything, do we?"

"I guess." Marth shrugged. "Knowing the crazy crap that goes on here though, there's bound to be some embarrasing stuff. I mean, look at the Assist Trophy party! Or whatever the heck happened when that Mite attacked Snake, Kirby and Ness!"

"Well at least it's everyone now, and not just us." Ike said.

"Aw man!" Link shouted suddenly.

"What?!" Everyone asked.

"We forgot to tell Sheik we were watching the show!"

* * *

Author's Notes: Wow, that was a long one! So, we finally see the show! I originally did have the idea to make them film out a sitcom, but then I thought it'd be funny to do a documentary instead. This was my excuse to write a novelization of the first game. I might do more detailed episodes about Brawl and Melee, but this is actually kind of winding up. There are a few more jokes I have planned, and then after that, this story will end. Oh yeah, Kirby 64 has some of the trippiest powers ever. Just saying. Read and Review!


	7. Chapter 7

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 7: Critical Reception and Other Crazy Crap

It had been about two weeks since the truth had been revealed. Almost everything about this entire story had been forgotten. Well, not the whole Assist Trophy party, and Jimmy the Yahtzee Nazi, and Snake was quietly pretending to forget about his bet with Link. Things had quieted down again. Mario was sitting in the living room, watching TV. He was mindlessly flipping through channels, seeing nothing interesting.

"QUICK! CHANGE ZE CHANNEL!" Crazy Hand suddenly shouted in a poor Russian accent.

"Did you watch the 1994 Street Fighter movie again Crazy?" Mario asked. "That was a pretty good Zangief impression."

**"He's serious Mario, change the channel."** Master Hand said as he floated into the room. **"The official review of the show is airing!"**

Suddenly, every single Smasher was crowded into the living room. It was if those words were now some kind of summoning spell in an RPG. Mario found himself bowled over as Master Hand grabbed the remote from him and changed it to the review show.

_"And now! It's that time again, please put your hands together for the Super Awesome Review Show!" _The studio audience clapped as the two hosts took their seats.

_"Hello all! And welcome to the Super Awesome Review Show! I'm Professor Layton, and this is Agent Morris!"_

_"So today, we're reviewing the hotly anticipated documentary show That Smasher's Show, the latest embarassaganza from the incorrigible Master Hand."_

_"Couldn't have said it better myself Morris. While the premise of this show is good, it just fails on so many levels." _Layton said, shaking his be-top-hatted head.

_"Well let's talk about the premise." _Morris said, crossing his legs._ "The idea is that Master Hand has told the Smashers that they will be starring in a sitcom. And rather than have them film a sitcom, he films their reactions in addition to their everyday lives."_

_"Exactly. Again, not a bad premise in itself, but really, do those buffoons need to be embarrassed more?"_

_"I don't think so. As a matter of fact, let's take a look at a clip from the show and see exactly what we're talking about." _A screen dropped down behind the puzzling professor and the rocking agent. Static flickered on it, and then the picture showed up.

_"Don't go away little friend!" _Donkey Kong called to Wario as he scaled a castle wall._ "I'll climb back up and we can get to know each other better!"_

_"He's too strong!"_Wario said aloud._ "I'll bounce these rocks down at him to stop him from reaching the top!"_

_"Don't bother Toad!" _Ness shouted from behind. _"The **Mastermind **will show you how to handle him!" _Suddenly the wall DK was scaling turned into glass.

_"I can outmaneuver their clumsy shooting, but the noise is getting on my sensitive nerves!" _Pit shouted as he flew above.

_"You are fast winged one! But not as fast as Quicksilver!" _Sonic shouted as he bowled Pit over as the angel soared closer to the ground. They continued bantering until Pit managed to trick Sonic into running into a wall.

_"Quicksilver! Oh no--no!! If he's harmed you--!!" _Zelda shouted in utter uselessness. Well not really useless. She put a wall down on Pit right after that_._

_"Ahh, you got the one with wings! Good! Good!" _Ganondorf chuckled as he entered the scene._ "We'll get them one at a time until the X-Men are no more!"_

But suddenly...

R.O.B. blasted through the walls with his eye beam.

_"Utter silliness."_ Layton sighed as the video ended._ "I mean, surely there are better things for the Smashers to do than to reenact old X-Men comics!"_

_"I agree. Although I did appreciate the casting decisions for that particular incident." _Morris pointed out._"I mean, Popo as Iceman was pretty cool, as was Peach as Marvel Girl."_

_"Yes I- wait! That's not the point!" _Professor Layton protested_. "The point is that Master Hand simply failed to latch on to a good idea!"_

_"Oh right. Yeah, 's a real shame. We were all expecting another tournament to come up soon. And instead we get this."_

"See?! You see?! Did I not tell you?!" Link raged to Master Hand. Said embodiment was hanging limply in the air.

"Is...is this what failure tastes like?" He asked, his voice oddly quiet.

"Probably." Bowser smirked as he stomped away.

Master Hand turned in space. All the Smashers had left. Save for one, who seemed equally as depressed as he: Samus Aran.

**"Well why are you sad?"** He asked her, a certain bitterness in his voice.

"I don't want to talk about it." She sighed as she pulled herself off the couch and into the kitchen.

"Okay Samus, you've been in a slump all day. What's up?" Samus jumped in surprise as Zelda stood in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed.

"I don't want to talk about it Zelda." Samus mumbled as she shoved by. Zelda grabbed Samus by the shoulder.

"Come on Samus, I'm your friend. You can tell me!"

"No! You'll laugh."

"I promise I won't."

"Pinky promise?"

"Uh, sure. Pinky promise."

"I want a baby!"

Zelda promptly started laughing.

"You promised you wouldn't laugh! You violated the pinky promise!" Samus whined.

"I'm sorry!" Zelda said, regaining her breath. "It's just a strange concept: Samus Aran, ruthless bounty hunter a mom?"

"Well why not?" Samus asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Well gee, I guess there's no reason why not." Zelda said, after thinking about it for a while. "But why?"

"I don't know. I've just felt this hole in me ever since my final fight with Mother Brain."

"Where that little Metroid larva was destroyed?"

"Yeah. I really got attached to it. I really started feeling like I was its Mommy." Tears started leaking out of Samus's eyes. Zelda put her hand on Samus's arm.

"Hey now. Don't cry. We'll figure it out."

"Easy for you to say. You're the one with a boyfriend."

"But we don't-" Zelda said, starting to blush. "It's very frowned upon in Hyrule to...you know...do it before you're married."

"When has that stopped you?" Samus asked sarcastically.

"When it came to that." Zelda said firmly. "Come on Samus, you can get any guy here."

"Oh yeah, that's a wealth of ocean." Samus said angrily. "Let's see: how many guys are there here who aren't single, underage, Captain Falcon, Pokemon, animals, things of some kind, or Captain Falcon?"

"What about Ganondorf?" Zelda asked, cringing as she thought about it.

"I already said not Captain Falcon." Samus said raising an eyebrow. Zelda chose not to comment on that.

"Well who _does _that leave?" She asked. "I guess there's Ike, Pit, and Marth's married right? So he's out. I guess those are your two options."

"Great. My two chances at being a mom are with two of my best friends." Samus sighed. "Can you say awkward?"

"Awkward?" Zelda offered.

"Shut up."

"You know, this is probably the weirdest thing to happen in this story so far." Zelda said fairly.

"Oh of course." Samus agreed. "But I still want to go for it! Now come on."

* * *

Pit was idly minding his own business, humming the Underworld theme from _Kid Icarus _to himself as he walked through the forest. Link had proclaimed its wonders to his best friend, and so Pit had finally decided to give it a try. He was enjoying it so far. The air was cool under the trees, with a light breeze offsetting the sunshine. He heard a snapping twig, and turned around to see what had made the sound.

"Oh hey Samus."

"Hey Pit." Samus said seductively as she walked up to him.

"So, what's up?" Pit asked, kind of confused at her tone of voice.

"Pit, I have a confession." Samus said, switching to a business voice. "I want to be a mom."

"Oh, well I'm sure you'd be a good one-"

"Do you want to be a dad Pit?"

"Whoah!" Pit shouted, raising his hands. "Samus, you've gotta calm down. You're asking me to go waaaaay beyond the level that I'm comfortable with!"

"Oh come on!" Samus said. "It'll be fun!"

"No! I'm sorry Samus, but I don't feel comfortable doing that!" Pit said as he stomped away angrily. Samus hung her head in dejection.

"On to Plan B." She muttered.

* * *

Ike sat boredly staring at the wall. Literally. That's all he was doing.

"Hello Ike."

"Hi."

"I want to have a baby. I want you to be the father. Say nothing if you agree, and meet me in my room in ten minutes."

"No thanks." Ike said, still staring at the wall.

"Ugh, forget it. I'll never be a mom." Samus sighed.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Zelda asked, coming from the training room where she'd had a match with Meta Knight.

"Horrible." Samus said miserably.

"Well, have you considered adoption?" Zelda asked. Samus shook her head.

"No way. I want to experience the whole thing."

"Are you sure? I've heard it isn't too fun."

"I don't care!" Samus shouted.

**"Whoah! Unnecessary shouting! Not cool!"** Master Hand said as he randomly appeared. **"That only happens when someone's upset, and as the head honcho around here, it is my duty to make sure everyone's happy." **

"Since when?!" Zelda challenged.

**"Since I said so Princess."** Master Hand scorned. **"Now Samus, wanna tell me what's got you so upset?" **

"I want to be a mom." Samus said reluctantly.

**"Really? Wow, that's unexpected. So I take it you're looking for a suitable dad?" **

"Yeah, and nobody who I'm willing to be my baby's dad is into the idea." She moped.

**"That sucks. Captain Falcon wasn't keen on it?"**

"No! Geez, why does everyone on think that Captain Falcon and I should hook up?! He's crude, brash, unsophisticated--"

**"Okay, okay! Calm down. I was just kidding. Look, what if I told you I can help you?" **

"I don't even want to know." Samus said.

**"No no! I mean I could use my reality bending author powers to make you pregnant!" **

"Hang on a second!" Zelda shouted. "What about El Mano Maestro?! I thought _he _was the author!"

**"Oh, uh, he died." **

"You just made that up!"

**"So?" **

While Zelda had an aneurysm, Samus contemplated the idea.

"You know, that might not be a bad idea! Go ahead! Do it!"

**"Okey dokey! So, I should probably ask this before rather than later: is there anyone who you technically want to be the father? Because I can make it so." **

"Actually yes. There is someone." Samus said, turning slightly red. "His name's Adam."

**"Ah, that guy from the game I've never played. Got it." **

And with a point of his finger, Master Hand did awesome magic author-y stuff.

**"Congratulations. You're pregnant. How do you feel?" **

Samus's response was to puke all over the floor.

**"Cleanup on aisle twelve!"** Master Hand called as Crazy pounded away on a drumset.

"That wasn't funny." Zelda snapped.

**"Again: So?" **

* * *

"I'm so excited!" Samus squealed to Zelda as they sat in the princess's room. "Oh man, the next nine months can't go fast enough!"

Zelda half-heartedly offered a smile. Samus noticed this.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing! I'm happy for you Samus. Really, I am."

"Oh man, you're jealous of me now!" Samus said shocked.

"No! No, it's just that I'm a little concerned for you. You never showed any sort of maternal instinct at all before today. It just seems off to me."

"Zelda, I promise you, I've wanted a child of my own for longer than I can remember. I know what I'm doing."

"But does Master Hand?"

"He's not part of this anymore." Samus said firmly. "He did his part, and now it's my problem."

"Look, that logic just doesn't work in this stupid story." Zelda sighed.

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Complain about this story and the Author's methods?"

"Because he's above that!" Zelda said exasperatedly. "I don't know why I'm the only one who realizes that! This isn't funny! This is overdone and just a stupid way to make improbable and out of character things happen!"

"Okay, fine. Whatever you say. Now do you want to come with me while I tell the guys the news?" Zelda smiled, her mind taken off of her frustration with...well, me.

"You know it!"

* * *

"Guys, I have an announcement." Samus said to Marth, Ike, Link, and Pit. They didn't really pay much heed. They were playing Rock Band. Suddenly, Link raised his guitar up and smashed it into the ground.

"Overdrive activate!" He shouted.

"That's not how you activate Overdrive!" Zelda said, horrified.

"It is in The Who: Rock Band!" Link said cheerfully.

"Talkin' 'bout my Generation!" Marth wailed out of tunely into the mike as Link continued smashing the plastic guitar. Ike stood expressionless as he played out the baseline.

"You know?" Samus whispered to Zelda. "Ike kind of reminds me of Tommy."

"Again with this! You're above this darn you!" Zelda shouted to the sky.

"Okay, what's wrong now?" Samus asked.

"The musical culture jokes! How likely is it that the people reading this know _anything _about The Who? And it's not just them! It's basically any music he likes! He just _has _to bring in pop-culture references into this!"

"Zelda, calm down." Link said soothingly. "It's okay. Just breathe. And think: he's well within his rights to do this if he wants to. Come on, the guy writes a bunch of serious stories. Let him have his silly fun."

"Fine." Zelda said. "You win! No more! I won't complain anymore." She paused for a minute. "I have the oddest urge to recite Katherina's ending monologue from _The Taming of the Shrew_."

"Okay, what is this news?" Marth asked as he turned off the Wii.

"Oh right. I'm pregnant!" Samus announced. Pit's jaw dropped open.

"You went and did it?! Who's is it?" He asked incredulously.

"Well technically it's a brain-child." Samus said thoughtfully. "Master Hand wrote one for me."

"Wait, is Master Hand the Author?"

"He is now." Zelda said weakly.

"Wow." Marth said. "So, congratulations I guess. How far along are you?"

"About twenty minutes." Samus said, laughing. "I have a bunch of energy! I want to do something! Let's have a match or something!"

"Samus, you shouldn't be fighting in your condition." Link cautioned.

"Link, I just said I'm twenty minutes along. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to hurt the baby." Samus said. Link shrugged.

"Okay, I'll meet you in the training room. You'd better get your armor."

"Right. See you in five minutes." Samus said as she left the living room to go back to her room.

She excitedly took out her power suit and began putting it on. When it came to her torso section however, she came into some difficulty. As she tried to clatch the armor together, a sharp pain seared through her chest. She undid the torso section and looked down.

"Oh come on! You did a boob joke last chapter!" She whined.

Indeed, her already wealthy endowments had begun to swell. Not much, but it was noticeable to Samus. She ran over the rest of her body to see if there was anything else she needed to know about. Her flat stomach had already developed a tiny bump. Again, barely noticeable to all but Samus.

"Jeez! You didn't tell me this would be comically exaggerated!" Samus whined again.

**"Sorry, all for the sake of the story. But come on, don't tell me you didn't see this coming. Have fun this chapter." **

Samus cursed me under her breath and returned to the living room.

"Fight's not going to happen guys." She said to the group.

"Not feeling well?" Zelda asked, concern in her voice. She nodded.

"Yeah. Stupid Master Hand decided to go and make this entire thing exaggerated." She said motioning to her chest. As if to prove the statement further, she hurled again.

"I warned you." Zelda said simply as she magicked the sick away.

"Okay, you did." Samus admitted. "But it'll all be worth it!"

"I hope you're right." Zelda said.

"Hey, is anybody else really hungry?" Samus asked.

"Sort of." Link said.

"Like, for banana peppers covered in chocolate?" Link's face turned green.

"That sounds disgusting!"

"I know it sounds weird, but it just seems like the thing to eat right now!" Samus gushed. She was met with silence.

"This is going to be a long nine months." Link whispered.

As time went on, Samus's pregnancy actually wasn't as exaggerated as I made it sound. I'm pretty sure it's because I got bored with making her suffer so much. I mean, what kind of heartless jerk would I be to inflict so much pain on some poor pregnant woman? Exactly.

Anyway, it was actually fairly typical. Her boobs got bigger, she had the occasional craving, she was moodier than usual, and her belly grew past the point that anyone would have thought considering how tiny she'd been before this chapter. But if anyone minded, it wasn't Samus. She relished the entire experience despite my earlier attempts to make her rue asking me for a baby.

"Are you going to keep wearing that?" Zelda asked the day Samus officially 'popped', indicating the Zero Suit.

"Not sure. It stretches, but I'm not sure how far." Samus said, giving a sideways glance at her belly.

Ah what the heck. I'll make it a little more exaggerated.

She spoke too soon as her stomach had a magical growth spurt, splitting the Zero Suit's midriff.

"Oh come on!" Samus complained.

"We can go to the maternity store if you want." Zelda offered. Samus shook her head.

"Nah, it's okay. I've got something that'll fit upstairs."

She hurried back to her room, and found the item she'd been looking for. She put it on and returned to Zelda's room where they'd been hanging out.

"Well, what do you think? I wore this back in the day. Back on the SNES." She asked.

"Uh, I honestly don't know what to say." Zelda said. Samus's new apparel resembled nothing more than a black sports bra and short shorts.

"You don't like it?"

"Well, it's a little...revealing." Samus glanced down and frowned.

"I swear it covered up more before."

"You weren't pregnant before." Zelda pointed out. Samus stuck her tongue out.

"A little help?" She pleaded. I obligingly extended the outfit so that it covered part of her legs and extended past her breasts, although it still showed off her stomach.

**"There. That'll do for the duration. It'll stretch as you grow, so please, don't ask me for anything like this again." **

"Wait, am I further along now, or am I just going to get bigger than you originally intended?"

**"Haven't decided yet." **

"Please?"

**"Please what?"**

"Please just make me further along!"

**"You want it to be over?" **

"No, I just don't want to get ridiculously huge!"

**"Well you're getting huge no matter what. That's what happens. But if you really want to, I'll hold back a bit." **

"Thank you."

"I find it so weird that we just accept this." Zelda said, rubbing her temples.

"Well, do we have a choice?" Samus asked as she examined her new size in the mirror.

"Not really."

"Oh, wait, you never told me how far along I am now!"

**"Well, judging by how big I made you, I'd say you've jumped ahead two months. So that puts you at about four or five." **

"O.K. Thanks!"

**"See? She's so much easier to work with!"** Master Hand/me teased Zelda.

"I'm not trying to be difficult!" Zelda pouted.

**"Then why do you protest every little thing I do?" **

"Well in this case it's because it's obvious that you put the desire to be pregnant in Samus because you thought that IGN's scoop on _Metroid: Other M_ made it sound like Samus had a bunch of built up maternal instinct!"

**"And is there anything wrong with that?" **

"I guess not." Zelda admitted after thinking it over. "Now wait a minute, why are we talking about this?! I already agreed to not give you more trouble!"

**"Don't worry about it." **

* * *

Three months later, or really two seconds for you (although if you really wanted to, you could wait three months and then come back and read this), Samus's pregnancy was everything but a secret. She hadn't really gone out of her way to tell absolutely everyone, so as you can imagine, it was quite a shock for the other Smashers to learn that the deadly bounty hunter was going to be a mother.

"Samus, have you talked to Dr. Mario?" Zelda asked one day when they were both in the living room, Zelda reading _Crime and Punishment_, and Samus reading a maternity book, absent mindedly rubbing her considerably larger stomach.

"Huh? No. Why?"

"Well you really should probably. I mean we have no idea if the baby's healthy or not."

"Point taken. Do you think he's open right now?"

"One way to find out." Zelda said getting up and searching for Mario. It didn't take long, she just had to check the kitchen where Mario was making a pizza.

"Hey Mario, do you have time to give Samus a prenatal checkup?"

"Prenatal checkup?! This sounds like a job for....Dr. Mario!" He tore his overalls off, revealing a lab coat underneath.

"Wait one minute there! I _know _we did that joke before!"

Different story. Doesn't matter. I kind of like it as a running joke, don't you?

"Eh, could be worse." Zelda agreed for once. The Fever theme from _Dr. Mario _began playing as Dr. Mario ran out to the living room where Samus still sat poking her now outie navel.

"So Samus, how're you feeling?" Dr. Mario asked.

"Okay I guess." Samus said nonchalantly. "I've been getting a lot of movement lately."

"Good, that's good." Dr. Mario said as he pulled an ultrasound out of hammerspace and began rubbing the gel on Samus's belly.

"Wait, just what kind of doctor are you anyway?" Zelda asked.

"Shhh!!" Dr. Mario shushed her, holding a finger to his lips. "Do you want to know the sex?" Samus shook her head.

"I want to be surprised."

"Well, the baby's at a good size, and you said you're getting a lot of movement, I can't see anything wrong. You should be ready to deliver in a few weeks." Samus squealed in glee as Dr. Mario packed his stuff away.

"Well, what now?" Zelda asked.

"What do you mean?" Samus returned, confused.

"Well this is normally the part where things get a little dry because all that's left is for you to go into labor." Zelda explained.

"HELP! THE BRITS ARE AFTER ME!!!!" Red screamed as he ran by.

"I guess that's next." Samus said.

"Ugh. Way to bring back a joke nobody remembered. Oh hey, he dropped his Pokéwalker." Zelda said as she picked up the plastic device.

"Wow, he's got a lot of watts on it!" Samus said as she examined the peripheral.

"We should probably get it back to him." Zelda said as she took it from Samus.

They followed Red's trail, marked by frenzied accidental chaos, finding him barricaded in a corner with sandbags, barbed wire, and land mines.

"Red, what's going on?" Zelda asked, trying to calm him down.

"The British people! They're after me!" Red squeaked.

"What makes you think that?"

"Because....**Chris Evans is Captain America**!" Suddenly, a dramatic prairie dog reared its dramatic head.

"Oh please." Zelda groaned. "Red, that doesn't mean that the British people are after you."

"It's a conspiracy I tell you!" Red said, refusing to listen to reason. "But I'll show 'em! I'll show all'a dang y'all!" He pressed a button on a remote. Suddenly, a loud boom sounded through the entire house.

"Red, what was that?!" Samus asked nervously. Red smirked triumphantly.

"That was the sound of a hundred Smart Bombs being detonated. Those British people'll be fried for sure!"

"Red! You'll destroy the house!" Zelda shouted.

Oh come on, don't worry. If I was going to let him destroy the house, I wouldn't have done this joke.

"Oh, okay then. So...I repeat myself: now what?"

Well, according to my notes, you guys are going to be figuratively stampeded by an armada of potential candidates for the fourth tournament! Oh, and Samus, you should be going into labor just about...

"Ow!" Samus cried out.

Now.

* * *

Author's Notes: Well, this is by far the weirdest chapter I've ever written. I think I explained myself pretty clearly before though. The dialogue between Samus and Ike was inspired by the episode of The Office a few weeks ago where Dwight wants to have a child with Angela for business reasons. I swear, I wrote the thing about The Who: Rock Band before I heard about the possibility of that actually happening. Oh yeah, how about that Chris Evans? Not sure what to think about that. I didn't think he was right for the Human Torch, but maybe he'll be good as Captain America. idk, it's irrelevant to this story. Read and Review!


	8. Chapter 8

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 8: Preparing for the Fourth Tournament

The entire Smash Mansion was in an uproar. Not only was Samus Aran in the process of giving birth to an OC who I'll likely never want to mention again, I had also invited a veritable horde of potential candidates to try out for the Super Smash Bros. Rumpus., including several of the Assist Trophies from Brawl. Needless to say, it was crowded.

"There's no way I'm not going to be in now!" Little Mac boasted to Jill Dozer. "Not with a great new game recently out!"

"Same here!" Saki said, high-fiving him. It ended up kind of awkward seeing as Mac was of course wearing boxing gloves.

"Except that it's your son in the game." Waluigi sneered.

"So? That just means that he can be the Assist Trophy this time."

**"OK everyone if you could just calm down! We're going to begin the official tryouts soon enough. We just need to make sure that everyone's here, and then you're free to explore the mansion and see how you feel around the current Smashers! Can I have the Mario series and their derivative series' representatives step forward?" **

Princess Daisy, Waluigi, Bowser Jr., King K. Rool, and Dixie Kong separated themselves from the throng.

**"OK, all accounted for. Zelda series!" **

Tingle, Toon Zelda, and Midna and Wolf Link stepped forward.

**"Metroid series!" **

Ridley, Dark Samus, Gandrayda, Rundas, Ghor, Weavel, Spire, Noxus, Kanden, Sylux, and Trace stood forth.

**"Kirby! Wait, did I seriously not invite anyone from Kirby? Ah well, I guess all the good characters are already in anyways. OK Star Fox!" **

Krystal, Panther, and Leon joined the growing crowd of those called.

**"Pokemon series!" **

The Rival Trainer, and the Female Trainer stepped up, and Mewtwo returned to much applause.

**"F-Zero series!" **

Samurai Goroh, Black Shadow, Blood Falcon, and Jody Summers stepped forward.

**"EarthBound series!" **

Ninten and Porky joined the new crowd.

**"Fire Emblem series!" **

Roy made a triumphant return, and Sigurd joined him.

**"Anyone from an old-school/obscure Nintendo game!" **

Little Mac, the Balloon Fighter, Mike C., Mach Rider, Takamaru, and Captain Rainbow came forth to little fanfare. Seriously, not many people care about them. Well I do, but I hardly count.

**"Pikmin series! Wait, is there seriously another potential fighter from _Pikmin_?" **

Louie made himself known only to be booed fiercely.

**"OK, OK, you can pound the crap out of him later! Sin and Punishment series!"**

Saki ran from the Assist crowd only to find...

"Isa? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to be an Assist!"

"Mom volunteered, but Kachi's also trying out for the Assist spot, so I thought I'd try out!."

**"Let's keep this going! Golden Sun!"**

Isaac also removed himself from the Assist Trophies, grinning sheepishly.

**"Anyone from the Konami universe, including Metal Gear, Castlevania, Frogger, Contra, or anything else that's been on Nintendo!"**

Liquid Snake, Revolver Ocelot, Simon Belmont, Dracula, Alucard, Bill, and Lance broke off.

"Wait, I thought Liquid and Ocelot were one now. And can't Dracula not be used since he didn't originate in a game?" someone randomly asked.

**"Not if I say so! SEGA universe. *Pff* Like anyone from there isn't from Sonic."**

Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Doctor Eggman, Metal Sonic, Rouge, and Blaze stepped forward from the shrinking newcomer crowd, and Shadow separated himself from the remaining Assist Trophies.

**"Capcom universe!"**

Mega Man, Proto Man, Bass, Mega Man X, Zero, Sigma, Ryu

**"WHOAH! NO! NO! JUST-JUST NO! NOOOOO! GET OUT OF HERE!"** Ryu and the other Street Fighter characters found themselves shoved out the door by me.

"Master Hand, what the heck? They can be here!" Mario protested.

**"No! They just open up a can of worms! There are too many!"**

"But not all have been on Nintendo! Give 'em a chance I say!"

**"Hmm...true. And heck, there's a chance they won't make it anyway. Attention Street Fighters! If you have not been on a Nintendo platform, get out of my house!"** At least half of the Street Fighter crowd left, grumbling. This left Ryu, Ken, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda, Dhalsim, Zangief, Blanka, Balrog, Vega, Sagat, M. Bison, Cammy, Fei-Long, T. Hawk, Dee Jay, Akuma, Charlie, Rose, Dan, Sakura, Adon, Gen, Birdie, Juni, Juli, Eagle, Ingrid, Sodom, Rolento, Guy, Cody and Maki.

**"Okay, anybody else from Capcom?" **

Mike Haggar, Jill Valentine, Chris Redfield, Albert Wesker, and Leon Kennedy came out of the hiding they'd put themselves in after my display against Street Fighter.

**"Excellent. Let's see. I purposely didn't invite Square Enix..."**

"Wait, why?" Link protested. "Final Fantasy was on NES and SNES!"

**"Yeah, but come on. You really can't make anyone with a remotely unique personality work. Maybe the guys from IV V and VI, but I don't feel like putting up with them right now. Namco? Anyone from Namco?"**

Pac-Man chomped his way to the front.

**"OK, that should cover everyone!"**

"What about Master Chief, Rayman, Crash Bandicoot, and Duke Nukem?" Louie asked.

**"YOU SIR ARE DISQUALIFIED!"** I shouted as I vaporized Olimar's friend. **"Anyway, have fun! Assist Trophy applicants, follow me!"**

**

* * *

**Samus Aran screamed in pain.

"Okay, I think you're ready for the meds!" Dr. Mario announced as Samus contracted again.

"Stop talking and just do it!" Samus grunted as she clutched her belly. Zelda crouched by Samus's side, helping her friend through labor. Dr. Mario injected the epidural into Samus's spine. Samus instantly relaxed and took a deep breath.

"That's much better" She panted.

"How much longer does this go on?" Zelda asked as she rubbed Samus's hand. Dr. Mario gave her a bewildered look and shrugged.

"I'unno. I've never done this before."

"You WHAT?"

* * *

**"Okie dokie! First qualifying round bracket is up! New potential stages are being created at this time, so we're not exactly ready yet. Feel free to keep goofing around!" **

Little Mac gazed at his little nebula that had been created when I dumped all the retro/obscure characters together.

"So..." he said, awkwardly trying to provoke conversation.

"Hya!" Takamaru shrieked as he swung his sword at Little Mac.

"Yikes!" cried Mac as he threw up his gloves in defense.

"Whoah there buddy" Captain Rainbow said to Takamaru. "Let's not kill anyone yet."

"しかし私は彼を殺したいと思う!" Takamaru shouted.

"Uh, what?" Mach Rider said confused. "Sprechen ze English?"

"Nope!" Takamaru said proudly. Captain Rainbow sweatdropped.

"Yes you do. Now stop that. We have to make a good impression if we ever want our games anywhere outside Japan."

"I don't really want that. I never had a sequel" Takamaru said in perfect English as he examined his katana.

"Neither did I, but I still have a chance!" Captain Rainbow said vehemently, waving his arms wildly. Little Mac snorted. "Something funny?"

"Yeah, you thinkin' you've got a shot outside Japan" Mac sniggered.

"Of course I do! I'm Captain Rainbow! I'm fabulous!"

"I'll say you are" Mach Rider joined in with Mac's taunting.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Captain Rainbow asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Oh nothing," Mach Rider said. "Just that you and your fabulous rainbowness are looking to get your butts whooped by me and boxy boy here."

"Oho! Is that a challenge?" Captain Rainbow shouted, throwing his arms out, trying to look gangster.

"What are you gonna do about it, huh?" Mach Rider asked. "You wanna prove me wrong, then beat me in a fight. Loser has to drop out of the running for the tournament!" There was a collective gasp among the obscurities. The stakes of this fight had jumped to the highest mountain in less than a minute. At first it had just been the kind of scrabble normally seen when you put two people from two different video games together, but now there was an actual point, and the outcome actually affected how things could change at the mansion.

* * *

"Almost...there!" Dr. Mario shouted triumphantly. "Congratulations Samus, it's a girl!"

"Hey everyone! I'm a mom!"

That's very nice Samus. Now put it back.

"But-!"

We both know this child should not exist. You must put it back.

"It doesn't work that way!" Samus said confused.

"Master Hand, it's far too late for that" Pit said. "The second trimester ended nearly four months ago."

Look, let's stop quoting obscure Marvel parodies and get to the point. I don't want to have to write this kid. I did you a favor and made you a mom, now are you happy?

"What? Are you insane? No I'm not happy! The only thing I've done is go through carrying her! I haven't experienced anything of motherhood yet!" Samus protested. Zelda crossed her arms and stepped between me and the bed.

"She's right. Just because you're too lazy to create an original character doesn't mean that you have to deprive Samus of something that she needs."

Wants.

"Needs! Look at her! She's a mom now. You get rid of that baby, and you're a horrible writer!"

Oh no she didn't!

"Haha! Yes I did!" Zelda said. "The girl stays, or we refuse to do anything you say."

Or how about this? You do that, and I go back in time and unmake you before you were born.

"Come off it" Link smirked, "You're not Miyamoto or Sakurai, or whoever those guys who created Metroid are named."

"Gunpei Yokoi?" Marth offered.

"No, he just produced my game and Metroid" Pit corrected.

"Whatever! You get my point!" Link said. "I'va called your bluff. Whatch'a gonna do brother?"

I'm going to switch scenes now because I'm lame like that!

* * *

Just kidding!

* * *

"Look, what if I promise to take care of her completely out of your way?"

That's not possible. If you're within the realm of the story, then you're in my way by definition.

"Well, out of your way as we can get. I'll leave if I have to!"

Whoah! No way! Do you know what the fans would do to me if I fired you so you could go on maternity leave and have a life?

"Look," Ike said, "you're being way too difficult. You have no idea where this whole thing is going anymore anyway-"

Yes I do! I'm going to...dang. You're right.

"So then let her give the story a bit more life! You can write about the new tournament, maybe squeeze in a story about Samus's daughter, and then just put this thing to rest so you can never bother us again!"

Oh please, I'm sure I'll bother you again. Just maybe not in the same way.

"But you get the point! What do you say?"

...Fine, I'll give it a shot. Now rest Samus, we need you soon for the tournament.

"WHoaH whOAh **WHOAH**! Hooooolllld vr3thin'!" Crazy wailed as he burst into the infirmary.

What do you want now Crazy? Are the new candidates killing each other already?

"Yepps! But ah gahts someting moar importent 2 sai!"

Well spit it out!

"EEEEEEEEETHREEEEEEEEEE!"

"Master Hand! You've taken so long with this chapter that E3 has come!" Zelda said shocked.

Great Scott!

"You have to let more of those Street Fighter guys back in!" Link said cheerfully as he checked the Internet. "Super IV is going to be on 3DS! Yeah!"

"I've got a new game!" Pit shouted in triumph. "YES! Thank you Zeus!"

**Attention Street Fighters!** I called through reality. **C. Viper, Abel, El Fuerte, Rufus, Gouken, Seth, Dudley, Ibuki, Makoto, Juri and Hakan are allowed back into my house. That is all.**

"Wow, Nintendo's really on the ball this year!" Marth said impressed as he looked over Link's shoulder at the E3 coverage.

"I'll say! Pit has his new game, Kirby, DK, and Fox all get new games after a much shorter (but still frustrating) wait period, me and Zelda's new game was finally unveiled, and Mario of course has about ten new things to do over the next two years."

"Where is Mario anyway?" Samus asked. "He was here a second ago."

"Gone to the Galaxy. brb." Zelda read from a note Dr. Mario had attached to the door.

"And there's more! Third parties like us again! New Metal Gear for 3DS!" Link proclaimed. "Yay! Snake's staying here for sure!"

"You know," Ike said thoughtfully. "Only a few things could have made this year better: announcing a new F-Zero, announcing this tournament for real before we all get any older, and finally getting around to clearing up all that legal crap that's stopping them from releasing the Earthbound series in its entirety in the U.S."

Very true. Hey, you think I should invite James Bond too?

* * *

Author's Notes: I'm a very lame person. Sorry it took so long to update. Life got in the way. And by life I mean I graduated from high school, got a job delivering pizza, registered for classes at college, and I actually have time to play video games again.

So yeah, E3 has sufficiently rocked my socks this year. I was expecting Nintendo's exhibition to be lame again, but man was I wrong! So excited! Kid Icarus basically clinches me getting a 3DS, although I probably would have anyway. Then there's Metal Gear and Street Fighter for it, and I just can't pass that up.

So about the story itself: I'm actually starting to get a little bored with this. I feel like it's starting to die, despite what I said about using Samus' child to prolong the life. I may throw in a few more chapters, but I want to close the book on this one.


	9. Chapter 9

That Smasher's Show

Summary: In order to boost his flagging rankings, Master Hand enlists (aka forces) the Smashers to star in a sitcom. Run while you're still sane!

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. is owned by Nintendo. I do not represent Nintendo, nor do I hold stock with them, work for them, or have any connection with them other than being another rabid fan. That said, enjoy.

Chapter 9: Wii May Be Crazy, But Wii Fit Too!

It rarely got more exciting than this at Smash Mansion: a new tournament was about to start, and already rivalries were breaking out. The one that garnered most attention, as the four way rivalry between Little Mac and Mach Rider against Captain Rainbow and Takamaru. Already, Smashers old and hopefully new were placing bets on who would win. It was the most anticipated event in the mansion since...well...Brawl.

At least...that's what you'd think, right? Well sorry to disappoint, but things had been absolutely boring at the Mansion for well over a year now. For whatever reason, the feud between Mach Rider and Captain Rainbow had been largely forgotten, and nobody had been doing anything. Master Hand had shut himself up in his office to work on other stories, leaving the rest of the various video game characters in his house to lounge around.

Then suddenly one day, Master Hand burst from his office in a giddy mood.

**"EVERYONE! EEEEEEETHREEEEEE!" **

"YoU sTolE mah LiNeBEck!" Crazy protested.

**"Ah who cares I stole your line from last chapter? It's true! E3 rocked again! There's officially a new tournament! I don't have to pull this out of my fingernails! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" **

Needless to say, everyone got kind of worried at this behavior. Master Hand was strange, but never like this.

"Cwazy?" A cute little girl asked pointing at the right hand.

"No sweetie, that's Master Hand," Samus corrected her daughter Azura. "But you're not too far off."

Samus had been the busiest of the people freeloading in the Smash Mansion, and for good reason. Raising a child was hard work. Her friends helped out of course, but ultimately, Samus did most of the work. So she'd started missing out on some of the crazy stuff that went on in the Mansion. Like the time a rogue Pikmin had sparked an insurrection and driven out a good chunk of the potentials for the new roster. Mario was still trying to convince the entire Capcom universe characters to come back. Mega Man and his friends had been convinced, but the Street Fighter and Resident Evil characters were more reluctant.

Despite missing such fun occurrences as these, Samus wouldn't have traded anything for Azura. Indeed, many of her friends had formed unique relationships with Azura, with Link and Zelda becoming unofficial godparents. Said princess and hero were at the scene when the floating glove made his bizarre appearance.

"Yeah, I don't know what's been with him," Zelda said.

"He's been writing a lot of Marvel stuff," Link said. "He hasn't gotten to have silly fun while writing since starting college."

**"'Scuse me for having a life!"** Master Hand barked as he and Crazy fiddled around with their pimpin' new 3DS, ironically playing Ocarina of Time. Oddly, if there was one thing Crazy wasn't destructive about, it was playing video games.

"Don't we have a tournament to prepare?" Pit asked.

**"Oh there's no way we'll be ready soon,"** Master Hand said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. **"We're waiting on you, Pit!"**

All eyes turned to the angel as he let out a flat "What."

**"They won't let me go forward with the new tournament until your game comes out!"** the Hand explained. "And I figured some of you might be a little...well...indisposed to doing another one."

"Indisposed?" Samus asked incredulously.

"He's saying you're out of shape," Bowser snarled. This got him a swift kick in the tail from Peach. Samus' self esteem dropped down about three levels.

"Don't listen to him Samus," Zelda said soothingly. "You're-"

"Fat!" Samus wailed.

"Sam come on! Be reasonable! You gave birth to a child, and you're still fitter than most people here!" This was true. While she was a whale from her pregnancy in her own eyes (to the point where she had stopped wearing the Zero Suit), in reality Samus had only gained about 5 to 10 pounds in the past year.

Bowser was still getting an earful from Peach about his rudeness. This seemed to cheer Samus up somewhat. Wheels turning in her head, she got an idea.

"That's it! I'm training for the next tournament starting now!" She declared.

"That's the spirit!" Zelda encouraged her. "In fact, we all will! RIGHT?" She asked the room at large. Most of the Smashers in the room merely said "Meh," and continued what they were doing. The core group however, enthusiastically agreed, along with Mario, Luigi, Peach, Sonic, Ness, Lucas, Kirby, Red, and Pikachu.

"And I have just the thing to help!" Peach said cheerfully. "Follow me!"

* * *

SCENE CUT! WOO!

* * *

Everyone had gathered in the living room, waiting for Peach to unveil her secret weapon. To everyone's surprise, she opened the cabinet under the TV and pulled out Wii Fit Plus.

"Are you kidding me?" Marth asked in disbelief. "You want us to play video games to train?"

"But this really works!" Peach assured the prince. "Really it does! I've been playing it ever since it came out, and I haven't gained a single pound!"

"Did you have anything to burn to begin with?" Samus asked skeptically.

"Well...no," Peach admitted. "But there are a lot of high intensity exercises on this disk! I'm sure it'll work!"

"Then let's get started!" Samus said eagerly. Peach politely deferred the Wii remote and Balance Board to the bounty hunter mom. Within seconds, Samus had created a profile for her Mii and was undergoing the initial tests.

"22.5! See Samus, you're fine!" Zelda said as the screen displayed Samus' BMI.

"See this?" Samus asked as she pointed at her stomach. "Not good enough. I don't want to have to adjust the Power Suit."

Zelda chose not to point out that any adjustments would be minimal at best. Instead, she kicked back and read while she waited her turn.

"Peach, these aren't very intense," Samus said bluntly after her third round of Rhythm Boxing.

"They are for me!" Peach pouted.

"Maybe you should try something else Sam," Zelda said. "I think this'll work for a lot of us. But maybe you, Ike, and Link should try something else since you're stronger than the rest of us."

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Little Mac asked as he entered the living room. He got really excited when he saw that they'd been doing Rhythm Boxing. "Ooh! Boxing! Yays!"

"There's an idea!" Link said. "Hey Mac, how'd you like to train us for the tournament?"

"Well, I'm not good as a coach," Mac said, "But I know someone who is!"

* * *

Dun Dun DUN!

* * *

"Hey Mac baby! Thanks fo' inviting me!"

"Guys, this is my trainer, Doc Louis!" Mac introduced his friend.

"Oh yeah! I remember him! He was at that awesome party I threw!" Link said, eagerly shaking the Doc's hand.

"Doesn't he owe Doctor Eggman money?" Ike asked.

"That fool owes _me_ money!" Louis frowned. It was clearly a sore subject, so Pit quickly changed the subject.

"We're ready to begin training!" The angel said, saluting.

"I like you kid," Doc said after staring Pit down for a minute. "See Mac, _that's_ the kind of attitude you show to your trainer!" Little Mac responded by sticking his tongue out.

"Ok, first things first," Doc said. "We gotta get you proper workout clothes."

As it happened, Doc had come prepared. He opened up a crate he'd brought with him and pulled out a bright pink sweatsuit.

"No," Ike said instantly.

"Yes," Doc insisted.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Never!"

"Maybe!"

"Huh?"

"Yes!"

"...Yes."

"Now that we've got that settled," Doc Louis said as Ike reluctantly took his jumpsuit, "We've got a lot of road to cover in only a short time, so let's get cracking!"

"But we just need to stay in shape, and we've got a few years to do it in," Link said.

"Beside the point," Doc said. "Y'all hang tight, I'mma get my bike."

"Bike?" Was the collective question being murmured around the group.

"Oh, the bike," Mac said. "Hope you're ready for a long day."

* * *

Meanwhile, Master Hand had taken a break from playing Ocarina of Time and was busy trying to figure out how to get the other Capcom characters to reconsider. Suddenly, there was a knock at his door. Now this knock wasn't like a typical knock that Master Hand heard. It wasn't banging or chaotic, it was sharp and demanding.

**"Uh...come in?"**

The door opened and Master Hand gasped. A man in his late twenties stood in the doorway, his perfectly done silver hair only matched by his fabulous pinkish suit.

**"You!"**

"Me," the man said. "Miles Edgeworth, demon prosecutor!"

**"To what do I owe the displeasure?"**

"Business," Edgeworth said, a smirk playing across his lips. "I'm here to represent the Capcom universe, and I'm suing you for damages!"

* * *

Author's Notes: Oh no! Cliffhanger! So...yeah. Sorry about that year-long wait. A lot happened in one year. Like I mentioned before, I went through a year of college. Easily one of the best, yet hardest and busiest of my life. This summer's been pretty busy too as I have to keep making money, and there's online classes, a bunch of other obligations, other stories, etc. But when E3 rolled around again and rocked my socks again, I knew I had to keep this story going, just not in the direction I'd been planning. At first, the chapter was just going to be about preparing for the tournament, but then finding out that Sakurai had only made the announcement to attract developers, so they were still a few years off. But then I got the idea of them emotionally scarring the entire Capcom universe, and being sued for it. That hasn't been done, has it? Well regardless, prepare for next chapter: Turnabout Smash!


End file.
